One of my favorite memories is of the time my sister threw a pocket dictionary at me and my mom told her to go to her room and think about how hurtful words can be and then laughed to herself for like three minutes
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Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.
My 4yo daughter happily announced that it was “murder season” today, and it took a solid 10 minutes to realize she meant crape myrtle, not murder.
Okay. What I don’t get is, is dressing up as a ghost and scaring people away from your amusement park actually illegal? Just because some teenagers and a dog say so?
No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.
I make sure I throw any vegetables offered to me across the room to make a point.
Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds
“I traded my carpet in for bare floors” –coworker. “Oh, me too. I love the shaved look.”, said me. Apparently, she really meant carpet.
This made me chuckle cuz mood
Me: What鈥檚 your favorite fruit?
Son #2: Tacos.
Me: No, I said fruit.
S2: You have my answer.
If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.
him: hands up, this is a robbery!
me *looks around* it’s actually a bank
famous: well-known for Good reasons
infamous: well-known for Bad reasons
therefore
flammable: catches on fire for Good reasons
inflammable: catches on fire for Bad reasons
I still have a Rolodex on my desk but it’s all salami
Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second
Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail
Flipping TV channels and seeing The Good Doctor and The Good Wife. I wonder鈥ho鈥檚 been Bad?
Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I’m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.
The Fast and the Furious.
– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 馃槧.
Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”
“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
Genie: I’ll grant you 3 wishes
Me: I want to fall in love
G: OK next
M: With a really nice girl
*we both start laughing*
Read a magazine at the doctor’s office so I’m all caught up on Clinton running for president. I don’t think Bush can beat him.
My chakras have been itchy all day but it turns out it was just a dryer sheet.
Consistent as a McDonald鈥檚 ice cream machine
Doctor: for the last time, you don鈥檛 have superpowers
Me: then how can I can feel a storm coming in my joints??
Doctor: ARTHRITIS IS NOT A SUPERPOWER
Some people were born into their job.
[spills whole tub of salsa on cat]
Oh dang
[grabs chip]
Hold still
[cat starts running away]
I SAID HOLD STILL
Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something
I hate when I鈥檓 running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it鈥檚 been 4 minutes.