@Browtweaten: One of my favorite memories is of the time my sister threw a pocket dictionary at me and my mom told her to go to her room and think about how hurtful words can be and then laughed to herself for like three minutes
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@rickolantern: [courtroom, on witness stand] Prosecuting attny: If you think she's poisoning you, why did you eat it? Me: It was pizza [jury nods, murmurs]
@1MeLrO: They say honey is good for you when you're sick I'm dipping my fried chicken strips in it and I do feel less stabby
@doggiedogthedog: I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?
@KyleMcDowell86: Step1) Buy 100 cans of tuna Step2) Drain the cans into a bucket Step3) Soak ur cloths in the tuna water Step4) Go outside & get all the cats