One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week
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How to parallel park:
1) Park somewhere else.
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
Therapist: Why are you here?
Me: Ahh, the great existential question. Why are any of us-
Therapist: No, I mean your appointment is tomorrow.
Hate it when I put on active wear and nothing happens.
My neighbor’s car alarm has apparently never heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.
“I’m away at school for one day and you give away my room?!”
My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.
Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!
The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.
I’ve noticed many of my friends are in The Grapefruit Window, which means they’re old enough to enjoy eating grapefruit but not yet on medication that prevents them from eating grapefruit.
ME: Tell me your weaknesses.
INTERVIEWER: um I’m interviewing you!
M: *writes ‘hostile’*
I: What’s that say?
M: *writes ‘overly suspicious’*
Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.
You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
The bag of chocolate macaroons I bought are not resealable. I’m taking this as an indicator that it is 1 serving
You’d think with food shortages around the world someone would have come up with a way to grow pepperoni pizza trees or something.
Dane Cook: I’m dating a 23 year old
Leonardo DiCaprio: hold my beer
Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend: I can’t
The AC guy is coming tomorrow and I expect him to fix all of my typos
Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!
Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.
Honey we’re having guests tonight, break out the fine jina
Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.
none of you hit me with your car this morning and now i have to go to work. thanks
Spins a web.
Any size.
Catches thieves.
Just like flies.
He waits.
The thieves come.
The web is sticky. The more they struggle, the more entangled they become.
He cocoons them and drains their fluids. The rest will feed his young.
Look out.
Here comes the Spider-Man.
“I’m just playing Powerball for fun. I don’t expect to win”.
-me as I slowly pull out my dark magic spell book
It must be such a rush to be a predator and feel the need to chase and catch something while at the SAME TIME thinking “That looks delicious.”
Like imagine if donuts could run.
Branch manager is like “I need you both to be on the reference desk.”
“Oh. I have some work I was going to do in the back.”
“Just do it at the desk, it won’t be too busy.”
“Then why do you need me there?”
“Because it’s gonna be really busy.”
Friend: Can I borrow a hair band?
Me: *retrieving Bon Jovi from the basement* Please have them home by 9.
Finally found a use for one of my old bridesmaid dresses. I feel like the prettiest girl in Home Depot.
A good friend loves you and supports you, but a really good friend will hand you a block of cheese and then respectfully look away