Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.
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ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons
If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.
Interviewer: Tell me how did you hear about this job?
Me: Through sheer desperation and boredom, I applied to 215 jobs in 8 days while high and you responded
@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor
– dinner –
Kid 1: finishes in 18.4 seconds
Kid 2: finishes in 34.7 seconds
Kid 3: finishes in 5 hours 29 minutes
I just ate an apple to keep doctors off me, now what do I need to eat to dodge the cops?
*my friend pulling the dog’s tail after his surgery*
why isn’t this lamp working
Them: what charity are you raising money for?
Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?
*Child putting on clothes very slowly while singing*
Me: You really need to hurry up – we’re going to be late.
*Child starts singing faster*
Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.
just got robbed by a bunch of girl scouts, well i wasn’t robbed but they did take all my money
No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.
I haven’t had bread in 3 weeks. I look great but now all I think about is bread. I’m basically a duck at this point.
I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than “you’re out of batteries”
I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab
and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”
Coworker: Pass your random drug test?
Me: With flying colors!
CW: Really?
Me. So many colors!
CW: You’re high right now aren’t you?
20 yrs from now they’ll make a movie on how Leonardo DeCaprio never won an Oscar. Plot twist the actor playing him wins an Oscar.
Judge: I need you to digitize all of my case resolutions and then make backups, on a remote server.
Law clerk: You want me to cloud your judgements?
J: You’re in contempt.
Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. It will never bring you true happiness or fulfillment. Also, it’s a felony.
Whales accidentally eat 8 people in their sleep every year
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
Phone rang. Caller ID said FUTURE US. I determined that it was me calling from the future to give myself important information. I answered and it was indeed me, but I was only trying to sell myself aluminum siding.
Why is sugar SO addictive, and broccoli is just like, “I’ll be here when you need me”
Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting
Every newscast:
“This horrible tragedy occurred in this part of the world. In other news, this irrelevant celebrity did this inane thing.
Cop *pulling me over*: alright, is there anything I should know about?
Me: heart attack symptoms of men and women differ a lot. Men have chest pain while women mostly feel nauseous
Cop: awesome, see, I didn’t know that. Have a nice day
Awww yeah it’s almost 4:20 you know what that means
(I need to go for a walk NOW bc it’s gonna be dark in 30 minutes)
Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”
I come from a long line of successful people.
I decided to stop that tradition.