One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I’m going to visit.
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Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.
Me: *Living in the US for 18 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
“YOU HAVEN’T GOTTEN OFF THAT COUCH ALL DAY!!!”
-my wife yelled, failing to even ACKNOWLEDGE my three trips to the bathroom this morning
I only treason on days ending in y
The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm
My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher
-I love you!
-Me too!
-You too what?
-What you said
-What did I say?
-That
-Say it
-What?
-I want u to say it
-Well
-and?
-what?
-Say it
-it
I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.
me (putting a $10 bill on the bar): surprise me
bartender: no
me: … excuse me?
bartender (taking my money): you want anything else
Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.
I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain.
My favorite child is the Roomba.
PROCTOLOGIST: *removes thermometer* ok this isn’t good
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST: it’s not the one I put in there
Alarm: beep beep beep
Me: I respectfully decline.
sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
I wonder if my heating pad thinks I’m cheating on it when I sleep with my electric blanket.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: would you like me to throw that away for you?
RACCOON: *clutching banana peel* this is my carry on thank you very much
Ancient Man “let’s form a partnership”
Wolves “I dunno. We saw what you do to cows”
Man “Haha, you can trust us” *hides sketch of chihuahua*
I wouldn’t mind being put on hold so much if companies programmed in a jukebox so I could pick the music I listen to while I wait
Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?
One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.
I’m the opposite of clingy, I’m spacious.
I punched my monitor
Now my hand Hz.
I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate
5yo: Dad, if you make me take a bath I will scream and yell and cry, and then you will have to give me a consequence. You don’t want me to have a consequence do you?
How scared do I need to be for this kid’s teenage years
In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”
[at the shooting range]
Recruit: Sir, I missed every target.
Officer: Perfect.
*makes him a stormtrooper*
At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.
Husband: *begs me to watch Lord of the Rings for the past 10 years.
*finally watches it*
Me: Why didn’t you recommend it sooner?
Whenever I drink I turn into Jason Bourne. I can’t remember much, fighting comes naturally, and I have a sudden need to evade the law.
how am i supposed to keep up with what day it is when it changes every 24 hours