One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I’m going to visit.
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Tried a smile yesterday and my white blood cells attacked it.
I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.
Marriage is your wife:
– Saying you are “the smartest person she knows”
– But not trusting you to buy the right items at the store to make a salad
Even with an open schedule and no events, I still don’t “have enough time” to stay hydrated, apparently.
My son asked to go to an amusement park for his birthday so he could ride roller coasters.
We went. He didn’t feel like riding them.
We came home. He is now watching roller coasters online and asking when we can go back.
That sums up parenting pretty well.
Me: My computer broke
IT guy: What have you tried so far?
Me: Everything
IT guy:
Me: I shook the mouse a few times and did some swearing
Going to start punching people in the face who say fight me. Words mean things, Paul.
The wife wants me to be a doctor in our sex role playing. So I guess I’ll make her wait an hour, then send her to a specialist
*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for self adhesive bondages
[Pre-School pick up]
Wife: what did you learn today?
Me: the highest waterfall in the world is actually in the ocean.
Wife: I was talking to our Daughter.
Daughter: snakes got no legs.
Me: [visibly upset] everyone knows that already.
olive garden manager: why are you quitting
waiter: i signed up to guard olives
Good dog. ❤️
My house fluctuates between smelling like a freshly baked cake or a tropical island vacation because aromatherapy provides what I cannot.
How did the first person to read learn how to read?
Clueless is my favorite movie about how rich people have real hard problems too
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
KOHL’S: YOU SAVED $92 based on these arbitrarily high prices we made up!
ME: I am honestly just so blessed
IF YOUR GIRLFRIEND ASKS IF YOU WOULD STILL LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM, JUST SAY YES. SHE WILL NEVER BE A WORM. YOU WILL NEVER ACTUALLY HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT. BUT YOU WILL HAVE TO DEAL WITH THE GIRLFRIEND WHO THINKS YOU WOULDN’T LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM AND SHE IS MAD
[Wedding Day]
FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!
ME: it’s always today, janet
Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time
[first date]
I’m sorry, I fiddle when I get nervous
“That’s okay”
Yeah….
*jams out epic fiddle solo for the rest of the date*
I will have a piñata at my funeral.
You know, to make people happy.
It will be filled with bees.
You know, to make me happy too.
Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!
She loves me
[forgets to run the dishwasher]
She loves me not
The hubby, son and I are all working from home today, this is my goodbye tweet.
My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.
My favorite part of Beethoven’s 5th symphony is the rap battle 18 minutes in.
detective: what happened?
librarian: a guy stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
detective: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket