One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.
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Damn, Starbucks. Not only do you spell my name completely wrong AND screw up my order, but on my way out some woman keeps calling me a thief
WELCOME TO DAYLIGHT SAVINGS!!!! IT IS CHAOS!!! WANT A 6 AM GRILLED CHEESE?? DO IT!! TAKE A NAP AT 1 PM? GO FOR IT!! GET MARRIED IN GREECE AND INVITE THREE MEN WHO MIGHT BE YOUR FATHER?? YOU GO GIRL!!!!
Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband
Stuck in traffic? We have the solution for you… Call customer service so all your vulgarities aren’t wasted.
Doctor: you’ve got-
Me: [cigarette in mouth] lung cancer?
Doctor: nope, diabetes
Me: huh [finishes eating candy cigarette] weird
I was not prepared for my knees to sound like some one is breaking spaghetti noodles in half every time I go up the stairs.
Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.
Not to brag but I can keep up with the fast part of the chicken dance…
“Then, the handsome prince sees her dead body laying there and has to kiss her.”
“Ummm, what?”
“Trust me, the kids will love it.”
Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 😭😭😭
My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
Godzilla’s attack on Tokyo was revenge for the hours he wasted watching Dragonball GT disgrace the legacy of Dragonball Z.
Every day, my kids walk around the basket of clothes in their room to avoid putting them away.
So, I guess it’s hereditary.
M: what’s this about, 007?
James Bond: he’s plotting revolution, ma’am
M: are you sure?
JB: he’s happy to confess, ask him
M: *turning to the suspect* what do you have to say for yourself?
pigeon: coo
M: my god man, you’re right!
PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.
ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.
there’s no law that your resolutions need to be positive; you can resolve to become a lot worse
I plan the silliest murders in my dreams because all I have to do to get away with it is wake up.
God: [creating Guy Fieri] “Hand me a head.”
Angel: We’re out of human heads.
God: “Hand me a pineapple.”
I hope my company doesn’t😂😂
Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for
Luckily you can’t be arrested for soliciting a donut.
Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
People complain a lot about Peeps, but when I really want to eat something slightly toxic and also glittery, they’re the first thing I reach for
Him: That’s a bitter pill to swallow
Her: Well, you did just eat a dishwasher tablet
I’ve never used survival skills while lost on a hike in the woods, but once I ate 3 Snicker’s Bars trying to find my way out of a Walmart.
I don’t have kids, but once I was on a plane next to a man and his young daughter, a first-time flier, and as she looked out the window and squealed with excitement, I found myself thinking about how differently things could have turned out if I’d gotten that window seat.
[Ice Cream Truck]
John Cena: I’ll take an Icee, please.
Ice Cream Truck Driver: Icee? You?
Cena: *grabs driver’s shirt* No, you can’t.
10 wants everyone to know i’m a horrible parent who never lets him have a friend spend the night tonight. even though he and his friend have spent the night at each others houses back and forth since Monday. kbye
Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.