One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.
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My husband came home at 5:47am & wanted to know why his key wasn’t working. You don’t live here anymore. That’s why.
My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.
[cool person follows me]
me: ok I gotta bring my A game now it’s only good tweets from here
me 5 mins later: horses r just big dogs ?
Girl dog: I’m into bad boys
Guy dog: [remembering his owner saying how much of a good boy he is] ..oh
[at heaven’s gate]
God: Tell me why I should let u in
Me: I’ve never made anyone look at my baby’s ultrasound pic
God: You can have my bed
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, he could speak more languages than that. He had racist shoulders. His front teeth were impatient.
Judge: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
Defendant: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
J: Stop that.
D: Stop that.– repeat offenders
told my dad about a rough patch i went through mentally and he asked in a concerned voice whether i’d still managed to take my car in for routine maintenance
7yo: Who’s older: you or dad?
Me: Dad.
7: Then how come you look older?
Me: Santa’s not real.
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
Interviewer: Under “work history” it just says “content creator.” Care to elaborate on that?
Victor Frankenstein: No.
I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.
Me:(Standing on a Bosu Ball at bootcamp) No one tells us what to do.
Trainer(rolling eyes) Rene, get down. You asked me to teach this.
Daylight Saving Time is a scam. It was originally pushed through Congress by Big Candle.
Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?
Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.
I’m more than tenacious.
I’m elevenacious.
*uses Ouija board*
NEW PHONE WHO DIS
No one cares if you take an apple or yogurt from the hotel breakfast but apparently if you start filling your ice bucket with bacon it suddenly becomes an issue.
one time my grandma used an american express traveller’s check to buy a whole frozen horse
Welcome to your 40s: here’s your ice pack.
“Bear with me for a minute.”
– Russian guy providing an airtight alibi for his criminal bear friend.
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
Thanksgiving prep with mom is great for my self esteem:
Why aren’t you helping me??
*starts to help*
You’re doing it wrong! Let me do it!
ME: but I got to the buffet before anyone else
MANAGER: that’s not how the first responder discount works
Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer
I don’t eat like a bird; I eat like a squirrel. I get super hungry and dig in my desk for nuts at 4 pm and shove them all in my mouth at once
“these fit like a glove,” i whisper, sliding effortlessly into my five legged pants
POLICE: [on bullhorn] PLEASE COME DOWN, EVERYTHING’S FINE
ME: [yelling down from ledge] ARE YOU SERIOUS HAVE YOU WATCHED THE NEWS AT ALL