Don’t call me honey or baby if I don’t know you.
I’ll marry you and move my mother in with us and then you’ll be sorry.
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When people come into my office and complain, I’ve started gently pushing things off my desk while maintaining eye contact. You’d be amazed at how much shorter the conversations are.
In the hierarchy of my office, I was Pam for so many years that it’s hard to accept that I am now firmly Phyllis even though she’s obviously the coolest
thinking about a very short hotdog
Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts
If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”
She was rare, like a Billie Eilish song I can actually hear at normal volume.
You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.
Why do they call it “a crystal meth addiction” and not “methamaddicts?”
nervously i bag my groceries in plastic while a giant melting iceberg waits in line behind me
The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.
Through the drive thru speaker: would you like to try the chicken club
Me: [ imagining chickens getting down on the dance floor ] hell yes I would
Becoming a man doesn’t happen the first time you fight or make love. It happens the first time you see the gas bill and remind everyone that we aren’t trying to heat the outside.
Me: (Sneezes)
Microchip in my left arm: Bless you
When I need a dose of logic and rational thinking I turn to my dog who has to this day never cut her own bangs.
I had a dream I was driving and following my friend to her house. But she kept making turns from wrong lanes and I was trying to keep up with her
And then I realized “oops that’s not my friend and I’ve been following a stranger and probably scaring them” lol
5-year-old: What happens if the baby pees?
Pregnant wife: She won’t. She waits till she’s born
5: Right. Just like no one pees in the pool
My doctor said I need to eat more greens, so I got myself a pint of mint ice cream.
You say “aargh” and my reply is definitely “Aargh indeed.”
they’re called hooves, dummy🙄
I accidentally used my wife’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here. Jk she called John Wick
‘It’s finally happened,’ I say as my handwriting deteriorates to the point where I can’t read it. ‘I’ve become a doctor.’
Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.
fourth time’s the charm
*being abducted by aliens*
Hey thanks guys it was getting pretty rough down there. What we got goin’ on, snack-wise?
When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”
At some point you’ll think you have this parenting thing figured out. Then your child will ask you to take the cheese off of their macaroni.
JUDGE: the charge is murder, how do you plead
VIDEO: not guilty
FAMILY OF RADIO STAR: this is bullshit
#RubbishJokes
Two horses in a field.One says: I’m so hungry I could eat a horse.
The other says: Moo!
Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?
My ex wife’s husband is a pretty cool guy. I’m looking forward to the day she ruins his life so we can talk about what a bitch she is.