One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.
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had calamari for the the first time ever and it wasn’t that bad, maybe I’ll try marriage next
thinking about that time they found a cat sleeping with a baby who’d been abandoned in a box in the cold and everyone was like “omg the cat saved the baby 🥺” but like…I’m prettyyyyy sure the cat was just there for the box
Have you tried soaking yourself in rice to fix your problems?
~ Me as a therapist
Eating a takeout salad alone in your car can feel depressing, but not if you fully commit to the backstory that you’re a detective on a stakeout.
[weapons store]
ME: *holding up a spare pin* Has anybody seen my grenade?
interviewer: ur biggest weakness?
me: i hate working
Before a long trip I drink allot of alcohol the night before. Dehydration will work for me for once.
Me: I miss baseball
Umpire: Strike one!
11y/o: Thanks for packing my lunch today, but next time…I’m gonna need more chocolate.
Narrator: But there was not more chocolate…In fact, there’s never more chocolate…For, her mother, eats it all.
I’m totally winning this weight watchers thing! I’ve eaten more points than everyone!!!
I hope I’m doing this right…
The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I’m not sure if that’s considered sexual harassment or flirting.
If I was rich I’d have two hedge mazes. One from which there can be no escape. And one for more lighthearted affairs and casual mazing.
We parents need to stop threatening our kids with a lump of coal. It’s cruel and outdated.
Behave or Santa will break your iPad, kids.
Sleeping in a tent is so relaxing. You can hear the leaves rustling, the loons calling out on the lake and, if you listen closely, whimpering teenagers crying out softly “wifi, wifiiiii”.
I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??
“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.
My boss used to call me “the computer”. Nothing to do with intelligence. I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.
*Santa lifts a rug while sweeping and finds a dusty, crumpled note*
“Please keep my family safe, love Bruce Wayne.”
*Santa grows very pale*
It’s not summer until you put on your bikini and realize it probably wasn’t a good idea to eat 9,000 lbs of skittles, starbursts, and sour patch kids all year.
My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”
A cup of tea in the morning and I’m ready to start my day. A cup of tea in the morning from my I Moose Wake Up mug and hell, I’ll start your day too.
My family is driving me more nuts than usual. If you find me wandering the streets in a daze, please don’t return me home.
I wish it was socially acceptable to push someone back through a door if they don’t say thank you when you hold it for them.
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….
Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”
Did you know that McDonald’s once sold a burger named after the Hamburglar? It was discontinued however because the meat was too robbery.
[making money] Ugh this is boring and awful. But at least spending it will be nice!
[spending money] Ah no this feels bad also
I almost confused a laxative and Ibuprofen and that would have changed my plans for the evening significantly
If there’s anything more exhausting than having a face-to-face conversation with another human being I’ve yet to find it.
whenever god closes a door he opens a window because he’s taking a pretty nasty shit in there.