@SondraDeeMe: One of my lamps has a light bulb which has outlasted my past 7 relationships.
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@gumdropheaven: I eat children for a living You what? I said I feed children Oh haha thought you sa- TO MY MOUTH
@Pro_Jones_: (Wedding) Priest: They've written their vows Wife: *recites beautiful vows* Me: *takes out notecard* I love you and cheese the same amount
@TheTweetOfGod: "We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal." - A man who owned other men.