One of my lamps has a light bulb which has outlasted my past 7 relationships.
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* has cake for breakfast
* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber
* blames running shoes
Ain’t no way
every tall woman, looking at tall fashion models: okay, but where does she REALLY buy pants?
A friend was talkin about her expensive face lotion. She said she was confused about it runnin out so fast. She finally asked her husband & he said he wondered why she kept buyin such tiny bottles. Fool was using it on his whole body😭. Said it was silkiest skin era of HIS LIFE
If you’re having a bad day, just know that my 9 year older nephew announced to a room full of friends and family that he saw his parents doing “naked yoga.”
Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.
There are 2 screaming kids & a guy talking full voice on his cell in this bank. I’ll wave at you on the news tonight as they lead me away.
Thrilling chase underway
My wife thinks that I don’t care for her relatives.
I told her that’s not true. I love her mother-in-law more than I love mine.
For a while after my wife left me I found it really difficult to listen to any of ‘our’ songs. She’d taken the entire CD collection with her.
A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.
If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.
JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA NOOOOOOOOO JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJJAJAJ AIREEEEEE JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA
When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.
[Fat lady goes to the zoo]
Zebra – What the hell is she wearing?
Bear – It looks like your mom
Just tell me which one is wrong, the password or the username!! Don’t make me have to guess.
Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about
Me: how are you?
Toddler: shitty.
Me: I hear that.
Toddler: can you change me?
Me: I can try but happiness comes from within.
Wife: HIS DIAPER YOU IDIOT.
Is age 14 too old to leave your kid on a doorstep?
My mother’s maiden name is Password.
Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do
Even on your worst days, an identity thief wants to be you more than you want to be yourself and that’s beautiful
a sea turtle lives for 150+ yrs despite threats from the moment she hatches and I will most likely slip in the shower and die from a bonk to the noggin
At my 12yo’s school awards ceremony tonight I danced in my seat just enough for her to see me, smile, shake her head in happy embarrassment, and look down to avoid accidentally smiling again
My work here is done
All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.
Who called it a knock off designer watch and not a Fauxlex
Sorry I’m late. I sneezed while my mascara was still wet.
Me: we should probably go to bed
Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning
Me: ok
All I’m saying is if I’m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.
*watching the first MI, Tom Cruise sends a message to max@job 3:14
me: pfft that’s not a valid email address format, no wonder it’s called Mission Impossible
wife:
me: I mean some of the other stuff seems pretty improbable too