One of my personalities goes to the grocery store and buys healthy food…
Now, I can’t find anything to eat in the fridge.
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Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.
Some lady on The Price is Right just won a brand new 2016 Epi-Pen.
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!
Since I got my iPhone eleventeen last week I have taken about 47 screenshots of my Home Screen just trying to turn the gd thing off.
I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.
Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”
Sometimes I like to play the power card and remind my husband that I was once woken up to a phone hitting me in the head. He tied it to the ceiling fan to reach a certain number of steps and it flew off.
People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”
Removed my spanx slip and accidentally ricocheted myself into the neighbors backyard.
There was a time you couldn’t drive a computer if you didn’t have a driving license…
Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.
whats the most professional email sign off that implies if you have to follow up in any way you’re prepared to put the recipient in a wood chipper? for me it’s thanks.
You should see the confused look on the produce clerk’s face when I ask where I can find kale and then walk in the opposite direction that they’re pointing to.
yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses
me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby
NO SCREENS FOR THE WHOLE WEEKEND just fell out of my mouth and if divorce were a facial expression my husband just asked me for one
Those who still fit in their wedding dresses years later haven’t been making enough effort eating.
*ghost hunter looking for ghosts in our bedroom turns on a blacklight*
Me: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Ghost Hunter: *eyes widen* Look at all the ectoplasm. It’s everywhere!
Me: That’s exactly what that is.
Arkansas is just Kansas for pirates.
I’ve already had 3 people ask if I have enough wine to last me through the hurricane. Beginning to think I may have a reputation.
Sometimes words are just not enough
And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower
[creating the armadillo]
GOD: I want a half turtle,
ANGEL: Okay
G: Half pig,
A: Okay, I’m on it-
G: Half anteater
A: …Are u drunk
G: Very
I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.
Wife: Please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[Later]
Them: So how did you two meet?
Me: I did NOT buy her on eBay
Sitting outside in the dark on the swing and some drunk guy coming from the neighbor’s party is pissing on the tree in front of the house.
I coughed and I heard his pee stop.
lmaaaaaooooooooo
Girl from school who refused to dance with me at elementary school disco: can I get some chicken Mcnuggets
Me: well look who’s come crawling back
Bake cookies and the house smells good for 20 minutes.
Bake fish and 4 months later the house still smells like an episode of Deadliest Catch.