(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off
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There’s a serial killer in our house! Normal people: “CALL THE POLICE, LETS GET OUT OF HERE!” – In movies: “Lets go find him” -___-
Airport: come like 3 hours early
Ok what gate do I go to
Airport: not telling until last minute 🤫
ME: We live in an uncaring universe void of meaning and purpose.
WIFE: I understand, but you’re still folding all this laundry.
My yoga instructor was drunk today.
Put me in a very awkward position.
ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today
LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test
No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.
Yes, it was me. I pulled over and tried to coax those kittens into my van. You can keep your kids. I just want the kittens.
Donuts are beautiful creatures and they deserve their own week on the nature channels.
dads on road-trips be like
My husband is awesome. He just gave me a bracelet that belonged to his grandmother. What does “Do Not Resuscitate” mean?
Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private
I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:
wat if harry poter was pokemon
The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.
PRIEST: the child is inhabited by the same evil spirit we crossed paths with!
CHILD [demon voice]: DON’T END A SENTENCE WITH A PREPOSSESSION
Meeeee too!
Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.
I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.
Got fired from PetSmart for unionizing the hamsters
Wife: don’t forget to pick the kids up from school
Me: it’s Saturday, they’re both upstairs
Wife: it’s Wednesday & we have 3 kids
DJ: “MARRIED PEOPLE IN THE CLUB TONIGHT MAKE SOME NOOOIISE!”
*Groans*
*Sobs*
*sighs*
*a solitary gunshot*
Yeah. This was me today.
some days I’m all [sound of a fluffy cloud violently smashing into a mountain] other days I’m [sound of crocodiles gently eating a mitten]
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc u hate ventriloquism
HER: yes
BUNNY: [quietly] don’t let her see u cry
i transcended “cat lady” 10 cats ago, i’m now “cat mother goddess” in some select circles. so worship meow!
Once a 7-year-old said he’d come at me “with the fury of 1,000 angry geese” during a game of tag & I never felt more threatened in my life
My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.
How come cats make the only sexy Halloween costumes? What’s wrong with a sexy llama or a sexy sloth or something?
My boss got bit by a snake so I bandaged his wound so tight just to make sure the venom won’t drain out.
I’m done travelling by scooter, I moped.