One of my sons says he likes my new haircut, and the other will have to twirl a sign outside a Mattress Firm to pay for college, I guess.
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[Kitchen]
Me: I’m a were-state. When the moon is full I turn into a US state.
Wife: No you don’t the moon is full now.
Me: *Illinois noises*
It should be illegal for ATMs to show you your balance without your consent
Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
Her: I’m a sapiophile
Me: I don’t know what that is
Her: it’s being attracted to intelligence
Me: totally I am a sap… sapial… me too
a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.
My husband, the world’s most notorious non- morning person, set an alarm for 4am today. Early workout? No. Big day at the office? No. Ladies and gentlemen, it’s golf. Not to PLAY golf, mind you, he set an alarm for 4am to WATCH GOLF.
If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.
I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move
Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.
[creating eyelashes]
God: Give them a row of stiff hairs to protect their eyes.
Angel: Alright.
God: But make the hairs occasionally turn traitor and try to destroy the very thing they’re supposed to protect.
Angel: Dude, wtf is wrong with you?
Good Cop: Book ’em.
Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.
me putting things at the top of cabinet is top tier self hatred
Painting up my car like an orca and running limousines off the road
I’m willing to pay $2 to find out what the future is
home depot should sell a 12ft turkey skeleton for thanksgiving
I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.
Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”
judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead
owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor
[creation]
GOD: So how do you like the flying?
PENGUIN: Meh it’s no big deal
GOD: Oh is that right
[playing poker]
“I’m all in”
*slowly pushes a half-eaten burrito and a cat to middle of the table*
Make fun of Kim Kardashian’s name choice for North West if you want, but that baby is going straight up. And slightly to the left.
[First Date]
No dessert for me, I couldn’t eat another bite.
[Second Date]
*slides whole cake down my gullet like a pelican*
date: i had fun tonight
me: me too
me: *mashes mouth against one cheek & slowly drags it across their whole face*
me: that’s how slugs kiss
‘Was that really necessary?’
~slapped newborns
My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate
I just saw a commercial for a drug called Dupixent and in the commercial the voice over actually said “Do not take if you are allergic to Dupixent.”
People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.
Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?