@amydillon: One of my sons says he likes my new haircut, and the other will have to twirl a sign outside a Mattress Firm to pay for college, I guess.
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@dafloydsta: WIFE: Stop spending all our money ME: Okay, fine [later] WIFE: *visibly angry* WTF? ME: *zooming by on a new Segway* RELAX KAREN, I STOLE IT
@fro_vo: Cop: i told you this land is off limits Me: oh i thought you said it was all flimits Cop: wtf are flimits Me: idk let's go look Cop: ok
@JennyJohnsonHi5: Don't forget to celebrate Columbus Day by moving in to someone else's house and telling everyone it's yours, then closing the post office.