@amydillon: One of my sons says he likes my new haircut, and the other will have to twirl a sign outside a Mattress Firm to pay for college, I guess.
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@EJGomez: [slams on the brakes] WHAT DO YOU MEAN LINDSAY LOHAN PLAYED BOTH TWINS IN THE PARENT TRAP
@JDBooie: TSA training manager: "What would you do upon finding a kilo of cocaine?" ME: "A lot of cocaine."
@PaulyPeligroso: "Oh, hey! I didn't even recognize you!" means "I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are."