One of my sons says he likes my new haircut, and the other will have to twirl a sign outside a Mattress Firm to pay for college, I guess.
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Hey so remember when Malfoy was a jerk in year 1 and Harry got snarky right back and they became Instant Enemies? Well what if Harry had just been like “come on, man, let’s all be friends” and all the Houses were united and super chill
Pretty much. 🤣
that kind of tired where you wanna tell people who sneeze repeatedly to quit celebrating their allergies so loud
Me *calls 911* I got stabbed by an murderer
911: omg
Me: omg
911: “an” murderer haha
Me: haha stop I heard it just as I said it
If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.
if Taylor watched me at work I’d probably do really well too idk
Bartender: I’m cutting you off. only water from now on
Jesus: [sarcastically] oh no
*Standing in my shower*
I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.
If you are reading this then you are reading this
I love how Men’s bathing suits sometimes have that tiny pocket where you can hold two quarters, just in case you’re paying to get on the Ferris Wheel in 1922
Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.
dating coach: don’t immediately compliment a girl‘s looks that’s creepy
me: ok got it
[later]
her: hi i’m carol
me: u look like shit
I’d run a marathon but I don’t know if I can handle the commitment. I mean a lifetime of telling every person you meet you ran a marathon?
It’s so cold, my dentures are chattering as they soak.
My dentist said I need to cut back on blows to the face
Eve: I think we should see other people.
Adam: There’s other people here?
Eve: No.
A: What the…
E: Sshh! Don’t make this difficult.
You can’t drink and drive. You can’t text and drive. You can’t smoke bud and drive. It’s like they expect you to just focus on driving.
*speed dating bell rings
Me: Why are you breaking up with me?
I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.
I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.
“Can I go play w/ my Twitter friends?”
Wife: “Are the kids in bed & the dishwasher emptied?”
“…Yes”
*wife opens cabinet, kids fall out*
*walks by HR door for 11th time to see if she’s not there so I can take some candy off her desk*
HR: Do you need something Josh?
me: Nope
Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.
As I move away from the hometown that’s nurtured and protected me ever since I was 9 years old, I fondly wave goodbye to the place that saw me grow from a 50 pound weakling in to a 250 pound weakling.
I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.
Walking up to any crime scene & whispering within the crowd, “It’s started again, hasn’t it?” then leaving
I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.
[Cops break down door]
Gang Leader: How did you find us?Cop: One of you left prints all over the scene.
Me: *Licking Cheeto dust off fingers* My bad.
You know when you do Secret Santa and you give the person a gift card, glove and scarf set in handmade gift bag you sewed yourself and you get a stained coffee mug with Halloween candy in it?
That.
Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can’t sit through my daughter’s violin recital without a desire to die.
I assume anyone walking more than one Doberman is training them to rob banks