One of my stuffed animals just told me I should get back on my meds, I guess someone doesn’t want to be part of tea party club anymore.
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moms will remember every detail of your high school friend but never their name. “Who was your friend from high school who worked at the sub shop on Thursdays and she had brown hair with caramel highlights and she tripped during prom photos and she had two tiny moles on her neck”
I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women’s restroom.
To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.
I’d like to say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I asked my kids what they’d like me to make for dinner and my 8yo said cereal.
after u do your laundry u should be allowed to get in the dryer and tumble for a little. no charge.
“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
Cleaning out the clutter in my house / garage, so if anyone is in need of a spouse that snores and kids that don’t listen, they’ll be out front.
I picked the wrong year to stop drinking.
– a Memoir
[plane hurtling toward earth in ball of fiery wreckage]
me [to person on my left]: are they coming around for trash again or did i miss it?
Finally!
“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs
Water: can you do me a solid?
God: sure *turns it into ice*
I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.
Every time I look into baby carriages, there’s always an INFANT inside and never a very small, old-timey gangster smoking a cigar.
Disappointing.
I don’t know at what age I started dressing like the upholstery of my grandma’s plastic wrapped furniture, but here we are.
6: I’m done.
Me: you didn’t even touch your food!
6 pokes food w/finger *without breaking eye contact*
The Sass is strong with this one
is this meant to deter me
My dad could kick ur dads ass!
Um have u seen my dad
Hes a big guy huh?
No really have u seen him? He left when I was 9 & never came back
I want a man that loves to play video games, loves to watch sports, loves to hang out with his friends, loves to spend time with his family, loves to read, has a full time job, and who enjoys having time to himself. Basically, I need someone who will leave me alone constantly.
I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights
Protip: If your coworker has a picture of herself and her dog labeled “Beauty and the Beast” you shouldn’t ask her which one is which.
All I’m saying is a hunk of burning love doesn’t sound safe.
“Sheer Arrogance”
Doctor: You’ve got high blood pressure & water retention. Do you know what that gives you?
Me: Boiling water?
Doctor: Ha! No,you’re dying.
I was fired from my job as hotel front desk manager for yelling “Get a room!” to every couple that entered the hotel.
The downside of having moles on my body is that my wife loves playing Whack-a-Mole.
We’re living in two Stephen King novels. The Dead Zone and The Stand. If clowns show up I’m done.
Logically the best time to kick someone is when they are down
“The Sun is dying. We need help” the scientists are speechless. Cool Dad kicks in the door & removes his shades “It’s daylight savings time”
Why is it always “I see you drank all the beer today!” instead of, “Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator.”