One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”
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Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.
Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to The Hoff?
It was less hassle.
*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good
3 years ago I trained 6 days a week & ran a 5K. Now I run my mouth 6 days a week telling the pizza delivery guy how I ran a 5K 3 years ago.
One little typo and Secret Santa becomes Secret Satan and nobody asks you to plan the Christmas gift exchange again.
[learning to drive stick]
Dad: hands at 10 and 2
Me: ok
Dad: now go ahead and shift
Me: *sweating*
Dad: shift
Me: *slowly moves hand*
Dad: 10 AND 2 ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL US
My son got his soccer ball stuck in our tree so I remedied the situation by getting 3 of my husband’s shoes stuck in the tree instead…
Teamwork makes the dreamwork
POLICE OFFICER: Your name?
MAN: The Rock.
POLICE OFFICER: Your FULL name?
MAN: [quietly] Theodore Rockinghorse.
Just reported my neighbors to Belgian authorities because they have a dog named Waffle.
How can you tell a vampire has the virus?
He’ll be coffin.
I’m not above selling your kidney or my oldest child for a phone charger. I mean, if it came down to it. Not just like for fun.
*logs onto online banking*
Oh good, my emergency dollar is still there
WIFE: Why do you waste money on useless things?
ME: [scraping the S and H off the side of my new School Bus] Maybe useless to you Sharon
A bold strategy
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.
called my horse mayo cause mayo neighs
Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?
Him: You have such a beautiful soul.
Me: It’s photoshopped.
Oh no, it’s raining! What do I do? What’s a green light? What’s a stop sign? What’s a blinker? Where’s the brake pedal?
~people
I want a hallmark movie where the city girl goes home to save the family business, and realizes her hometown and her high school sweetheart still suck after all these years
The people making the worst decisions in Vegas tonight are standing in line at Subway.
Discovered my husband thinks the candy is called “whoopers” and I may never recover from this
THE INVENTOR OF THE HUG: if you feel uncomfortable now, get ready to feel even more uncomfortable
When Fred Willard got arrested for lewd behavior in an adult movie theater I was shocked. Where did he find an adult movie theater?
Cop: Do you understand your rights?
NASCAR driver: My what
BRAAAAAIDS
-zombie sleepover
[Corporate Olive Garden meeting, 1985]
Jesus: Let’s do unlimited breadsticks.
CEO: How can we supply that many?
Jesus: *winks at camera*
Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu
[world series game 1]
Wife: where are our seats?
Hamlet: 2b…
Wife: there are people there
Hamlet: or not 2b
The Twelve Days of Christmas would cost$107,000 this year which is relatively cheap considering the amount of human trafficking in the song.