One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”
You Might Also Like
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
The claw machine proves that it only costs $1 to get mad
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to bed so early?
Me: Because we have had enough of you for today
Robber: Give me all your money.Otherwise you are chemistry!
ME: Don’t you mean history?
R: Don’t change the subject!
*Both start laughing
Carl: Cold out night.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: NASA found LSD improved spiders’ ability to make webs.
Me: Fair enough.
Is it normal for a cat to get smarter? When Max was a kitten he was really dumb but now he reads at an 8th grade level
Me buying fruit and veg
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
my fitness device congratulated me on “playing ice hockey” and told me i burned 300 calories over the past 20 minutes.
i was eating a Wendy’s baconator.
“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers
I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.
Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”
My organic chemistry class was at 7am and the teacher stressed how important it was for us to get enough sleep… so I slept in class.
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breast milk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
*concert*
Fleetwood Mac: thunder only happens when it’s rainingNeil Degrasse Tyson, at normal speaking volume from the back: no
I think more men would go to therapy if it was competitive. “Fourteen points in healthier communication? Yes! Eat my dust, Kyle! You emotionally unavailable loser!”
I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.
Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.
You say no portion control, I say treating every meal like it’s your last
Common sense: Walk away.
Me: No.
[hotel]
wife: I’m gonna go change. Find us a movie, ok? *winks*
me: Ok!
*wife comes out in lingerie*
wife: What’d you pick?
me: Space Jam
So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”
How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent
What North Korea really needs is a decent haircut.
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “Last summer I got drunk, and had sex with your mother”
Tornadoes and marriage are alike, because they both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.
ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing.
LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?
Back in my day we didn’t have excessive heat warnings. We just melted into puddles and reformed when it cooled down.
Me: How was dinner?
Husband: Good!
Me. Just good? What could I have done to make it better?
Husband: …
*Next night*
Me: How’s dinner?
Husband: It was fantastic! Amazing!
Me: Don’t patronize me.
Husband: *sigh*