One of the best ways to explain my dad is that I went to an Orioles game with a friend when I was, like, ten and randomly ran into my dad in line for food and he was like “oh hey you gotta try these hot dogs” and never asked how I got there
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[At the Grand Canyon]
Me:
I L o v e T h i s P l a c e
[ECHO]
[ECHO]
GC: Let’s just be friends
I still can’t believe Jesus was born on Christmas Day I mean what are the odds
I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza
With grape soda comes grape responsibility.
My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.
It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar
It’s a 35 minute walk from the bar to my house
The difference is staggering
I keep every love note I’ve ever written because one day I’ll have grandchildren who will find them and it’ll fill my heart with joy to hear one of them ask what it means to tongue punch a fur burger.
2020: the pandemic is coming you gotta stay inside
ME: oh no
2021: the pandemic is ending you gotta go outside
ME: OH NO
[Inside every wolf]
Me: Hey.
Me: Oh, hey.
I dunno but if I was a “doctor to the stars” I sure wouldn’t be bragging about it these days
I never lock my car. What is someone gonna steal, my thousands of McDonald’s napkins? Perhaps my broken sunglasses? Every water bottle my kids have ever opened and took one sip of? They’d be doing me a favor.
11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.
Me: What was it testing?
11: My patience.
Victorian photographers like “Okay we have a two deceased relatives propped in chairs package or our popular one deceased, multiple poses plus family pet package. We can include coffins but the trend now is to have some fun capturing pics where it’s unclear who’s actually alive”
I am at my most sexiest when I have to wash my hair twice in one day because I got ranch dressing in my hair from eating wings for dinner. Line forms to the left, gentlemen.
Her: What are your desires?
Me: My desires are..[imagines having a talking Pug named Maurice that I watch Netflix with]…Unconventional.
Some people lean in for a kiss like they’re trying to lick spreadable cheese out of a jar.
Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.
My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.
I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.
Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.
After my third trip to the grocery store to buy ingredients for our ice cream maker it hit me — they sell ice cream at the grocery store.
Mulder: it’s some sort of over-fed grim reaper judgment figure.
Scully: we’re at the mall, Mulder. That’s just Santa.
Her: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to learn Japanese and crochet*
Me: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to perfect my cereal to milk ratio*
Victor Frankenstein being only 23 years old when he made the monster is crazy to me, he should have been at the club.
Husband: my back hurts
Me, cracking my neck and knuckles while speaking in a fake Russian accent: I massage you???
[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?
I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry
I want to be financially secure enough to pass up a dime lying in a parking lot. Like “I’ll leave that for someone who needs it”
On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?