@sammyrhodes: One of the best ways to prepare for marriage is to wait 15 minutes in your car before going anywhere.
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@therealeatwood: “Errors in pronunciation eventually become part of the language if used widely enough over a long period of time” — linguists, supposably
@Eightinchgoat: Sorry I tried to strengthen my immune system by asking your wife to breast feed me.
@LnL245: Fixing my grandma's computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.
@joejwest: ST BERNARD DOG: [getting ready for work] Honey have you seen my barrel? WIFE: Which one? SBD: The little one I wear AROUND MY NECK EVERY DAY