I put my phone in airplane mode.
Worst. Transformer. Ever.
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Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will destroy the ecological balance.
Me: Are you mad at me?
Wife: Eventually.
Turns out my toddler’s only ingredient for Banana Stew is bananas, and now I understand why she rolled her eyes when I asked for the recipe
So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?
[sinking boat]
CAPTAIN: ABANDON SHIP!
ME: *trying to climb back on board* there’s a band on ship?!
*reaches the end of the rainbow
*discovers leprechauns guarding ripe avocados
The quickest way to double your money is to hold it in front of a mirror.
[boarding plane]
ME: Shotgun!
COPILOT: Can he do that?
PILOT: Looks like you’re in economy today, Ted.
COPILOT: *clenching fists* Damnit.
How to really enjoy the rain:
1. Stand at the window (inside)
2. Put non-tea drinking hand on hip
3. Sip tea from mug
4. Say “look at that rain” or “it’s really coming down now”
5. Ask someone else if it’s raining where they are
6. Say the garden needs it
7. Eat all the biscuits
This is what happens when an AP style journalist marries an English major and the English major edits the wedding website copy
If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.
Anyone else always bring about 3x as many knickers as they need when they’re going away somewhere like oh just incase I piss myself every single day of this trip
Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.
I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.
Better than a Justin Bieber concert:
1. Being deaf.
2. A rattlesnake bite.
3. Chewing razor blades.
4. Licking a public toilet seat.
How often do you think they wash the Muppets?
Whenever I see a job advertisement, I respond to it. It’s called MANNERS
Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb
interviewer: why’d you leave your last job
me: i heard a loud noise
interviewer: wow what was it
me: my boss yelling get out you’re fired
One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.
CAPTCHA: select all the boxes that contain love
HADDAWAY: shit
Now I lay me down to rest.
I pray your TC loves you best.
If he does choose another,
I sincerely hope it’s not your mother.
Her: I just feel so alone
Him: Jesus loves you
Jesus: [awkwardly] Duuude shut up
“I saw mommy kissing santa claus” has the same number of syllables as “I saw someone die at Disney World.” Life’s funny like that.
The very first thing I think of doing when I buy a new electrical appliance is immersing it in water so I’m really glad the instructions warn against that.
If I die before I wake, I died doing what I loved.
Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.
[in class]
Me: hey, can I borrow a pen?
Guy: sure, black or blue?
Me [sweating & swelling up]: you got one for bee stings?
sometimes when I think that I might be about to do something stupid or ill-advised, I think of grandma’s last words to me: “don’t unplug that”