@DirtMcTurd: One of the fake rooms at Ikea should just be a couple fighting as they try to put the furniture together
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@Bunnydurden: I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.
@randomlawless: When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they're like "I'm lactose intolerant."
@buck4itt: Just learned an important lesson: When texting "wish you were here," that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.
@SteveSuckington: [wife gets home & sees shit on the rug] What's this? "It was Rover he w.." *dog makes throat slice gesture* "It was me. I shit on the rug"