One of the fake rooms at Ikea should just be a couple fighting as they try to put the furniture together
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Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
PATIENT: I’ve been so stressed out lately. What can I do?
DR DOG (tail wagging like crazy): Studies show that petting dogs relieve stress
me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies
him: no spoilers
me: i assure you there are a ton
I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?
Playing I Spy With My Little Eye with my 5 year old daughter, who has now spied “something white” for three consecutive turns. Please send beer.
Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
cold water immersion sounds cool but i’m doing this other thing called warm bed immersion
Friend: Dude, you need to get into her pants.
Me: [imagining how soft her leggings would feel over my thighs] YES
My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.
Wife: It’s like we don’t even know each other anymore
Me: Not this crap again, Brenda
Wife: That’s not my name
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
I bet Seal is terrified of shark week.
my boss: your emails are full of spelling errors. You need to work on that
me: not today satin
[Being chased by a bear in the snow]
Me: Should we hide??!Her: *putting snow on herself* make yourself as white as you can
Me *loudly* I find potato salad too spicy
Thanks to everyone who said nothing while I walked around with my zipper down all morning.
“This has got to be the most boring reality show concept of all ti… wait, did they say TORNADO?”
– Me, totally not getting The Weather Channel
Me: I wonder why you only oversleep when you have school!
My kid: Mumma that’s because on other days it’s just called sleep.
Are you sure you just saw 1 spider, or was it actually 1 spider + 500 spider babies on her back? Anyway, have a good day.
Cop: Can you describe the man who hit you with a baseball bat?
Me: So you want me a paint a “pitcher” lol
Cop: ok at least we know why he did it
Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH
Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.
MURDERER: *while murdering me* I feel like you’re not taking this seriously.
ME: *eating a Belgian waffle* Wut?
Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.
Ladies, other women should be our allies, not our enemies. Nobody understands the heart of a woman like another woman. You’re still pretty.
Spoil any movie by telling ur friend “Ice Cube dies” before they watch it. They’ll be waiting for Ice Cube to appear and die the whole time
Me: nice car
Friend: yeah 400 horsepower
Me: that’s like 7000 ducks
Friend: what
Me: what
Why font matters.
Always have a fake name at the ready so you don’t tell the cops something stupid, like “Andrew Granola.”