One of the fake rooms at Ikea should just be a couple fighting as they try to put the furniture together
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I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.
Me : I have changed my mind.
Wife : Hope the new one is working.
Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.
[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate
Him: idk, i just.. i feel like you’re trying to boil me into soup
me, throwing carrots and potatoes into a giant cauldron: babe, you sound crazy right now
I love birthdays! My boyfriend rented a special hotel room for us to fight in.
Mistook a discarded plastic bag for a rat today as the wind blew it across my path. On the plus side, I can now perform the ‘Gangnam Style’.
Imagine you are genuinely trying to recover from a major surgery and you just have your social media and PR team coming in with increasingly worse news
I just wanna be alone but I have all this internet access.
The English language lacks a word to mean “To make a spouse feel uncomfortable by aggressively cleaning the house around them”.
3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back
– my cat
Me: *lifts couch cushion*
6yo: what are you looking for?
Me: six thousand dollars
Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP
Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.
[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]
Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!
I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.
*Relationship status*
Me: I’m heading off now.
Wife: Yayyy.
There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.
10: “What are we doing today?
Me: “We’re gonna make tacos.”
10: “Then what are we going to do?”
Me: “…I’ll be eating tacos.”
2 goldfish are in a tank. One looks at the other and says “YOU MAN THE GUNS, I’LL DRIVE!”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
(I’m not deleting this)
[mom knocks on my bedroom door]
HER: are you modest?
ME: well I’m no big shot but my jokes do ok on Twitter
HER: ok I’m coming in
If your pee smells like burnt toast it’s time to get some new pee.
Me: I’ve been having a lot of stomach pain.
Doc: You’re allergic to tomatoes.
Me: Oh wow so it’s a mystery then huh.
Doc: Stop eating pizza.
Me: I guess science just doesn’t have all the answers. It’s in god’s hands.
ME, in denim jacket and bolo tie: But why not?
BRIDE: I said NO.
Im the guy that says “Is he bothering you?” when some douche is hitting on you, just so I can hang around and bother you after he goes away.
If Chlamydia didn’t have all those negative associations with STIs, it would make a beautiful baby name
Thanks McDonald’s for adding two order lanes that require everyone to cooperate and merge so I can be driven to a blinding rage and lose faith in humanity all before I get my fries
ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
Me: You are not going to believe this…
Priest: Your confessions will always be belived, my child
Me: There is no toilet paper over here.
911: What’s your emergency?
THE BARISTO IS HAVING A STROKE
911: Barista?
IT’S A GUY. BARISTO
911: No, it’s still-
Nm he’s dead now