@DirtMcTurd: One of the fake rooms at Ikea should just be a couple fighting as they try to put the furniture together
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@murrman5: [wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news] "he looks like you" [me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it's not though
@QwertyJones3: One hamburger please CHICK-FIL-A: Sorry we only serve chicken here Oh *leaves* *comes back wearing a chicken costume* One hamburger please
@TheBoydP: *mom puts teen’s clean clothes at bottom of the stairs* Mom meaning: Take up stairs, put away Teen meaning: Obstacle course on the stairs!
@BromanConsul: cute girl just saw me try to walk and drink water at the same time so dating her is off the table now