One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.
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I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue
My brother used, as wrapping paper, the €70 wallpaper that Mum had bought to redecorate rooms. Cannot cope ahahah
First Christmas argument underway.
Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails
The danger of me asking why people don’t like Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend is that someone might tell me.
*First Date*
Her: I was worried you might be a convicted serial killer. LOL
Me; HaHa, LOL. No, I was never convicted.
Mum’s will be like, “I am not here to tell you what to do” and tell you anyway.
there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies
My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.
The police have asked me to stop sending them cryptic taunting messages until I’ve actually committed a crime
Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.
What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation
I knew Puff Diddy was a bad guy the minute I heard all the bad swear words in his songs
I got free pancakes on International Pancake Day. International Women’s Day is now almost over and I think I like pancake day better.
A 5-year-old just asked me if I’d ever heard of algae. You bet I have you little weirdo!
[I open my lunchbox to find pair of wife’s underwear]
But that means…
[Cut to my wife opening her lunchbox to find a pair of my underwear]
Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.
My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.
[shampoo bottle falls in the bath]
all other bottles: WE ARE COMING FOR YOU, BROTHER
Tell the Starbucks barista that your name is Voldemort. Watch for those who don’t flinch when the name is called. They will be your allies.
Repeatedly referring to the electrician as a “take charge kind of guy” is a great way to make your doorbell turn on the garbage disposal.
My husband and I got in a fight and I was certain I had the last word until we went to bed and he started snoring
me: hey it smells like upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling in here
therapist: what’s upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling?
me: haha right on, cya guys
wife: wha-
therapist: omfg he’s so smooth why would you ever wanna leave him?
Just spent 15 minutes on my knees.
Now, the bathtub is spotless.
ME, in my 20s: Bro, if you bring chips, make sure you get the “Scarlet Viper Ghost Dragon Habanero Pepper” flavor! Whooo!
ME, now: Excuse me, young man, do you carry “A Timid Suggestion of Chive” chips? I have a prescription from my gastroenterologist.
You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.
Yesterday I asked my 12-year-old son what other kids at school think about him having 2 dads.
His response: They don’t care but they don’t like how I’m immune to “Yo Mama” jokes.
#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.
“OMGJK” -atheists
My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.
Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.