One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.
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Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known
Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.
rotate my tires? buddy, I rotate em all the time. that’s how the car gets places
ME: Who’s haunting me?
EXORCIST: Your father
*thermostat mysteriously lowers by 4 degrees*
ME: Yeah, that checks out
When you forget you’re at the restaurant.
Me: But nothing comes out when you move your lips just a bunch of gibberish, you mother fu-
Friend: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING TO MY BABY?!
I don’t know why parents complain about cereal on the floor, the crunching sound is a dead giveaway when the kids go into the kitchen to get an unauthorized snack.
“Watch this guy slap himself in the face.” -mosquito
KIDS: [from the kitchen] dad…may we have ice cream?
ME: no you may not
[long pause]
K: dad…may we be forgiven if we already had ice cream?
you, an idiot: *eats a snack*
me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*
Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun
*Boyfriend gets in bed*
Him: Wanna fool around?
Me: *Doesn’t hear him because I’m tipping the cheetos bag directly into my mouth*
This makes total sense…
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
(interview for construction job)
Foreman: Your resume is just pictures of LEGOs?
Me: (proudly) Didn’t even have to look at the instructions
ME: u know what they say, drink with one eye open
WIFE: they don’t say that, you’re drunk
ME: *closes other eye* it is very dark in here
It’s snowing again but luckily it’s the kind of snow you see in paintings about Valley Forge and not the kind you see in movies about Siberia
*reads online that you should befriend your coworkers with some water cooler talk*
ME (to coworker): So, are you into water coolers?
[hiking]
ME: I’m so tired
MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face
I bought a pair of underwear today.
In the front it says ‘I would do anything for love’.
In the back, ‘But I won’t do that’.
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.
doctor: *tearing from prescription pad* take two of these and come back next week
me: *chewing the paper* when do I get the second one
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, “Quit while you’re still ahead?” 🤔😉🤣🤣
Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,
Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.
I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming
“Dayyuuuum Giiiiirrrl… Did you fall from Heaven?”
*pokes body with stick*
Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋
It may be an unpopular opinion, so block me if you must, but not all Girl Scout cookies are good. Their “Toast-yay!” should be called “Toast-boo!”