Me: sorry I鈥檓 late, my toddler made me find his blue socks.
Friend without kids: I don鈥檛 believe a 3yo can MAKE you do anything.
Me: 馃樁
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Cop: Can you explain how you got here?
Me: My parents had sex and then 9 months later I was born
Cop: Oh got a wise guy here *grabbing notebook* so the stork story is bullshit?
Me: I鈥檇 like to get this prescription filled
Pharmacist: This is a recipe for chicken marsala
Me: What time should I pick that up?
Me: Ma’am your pet is loud.
Lady: That’s my baby.
Me: Ma’am your pet baby is loud
I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court
There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”
ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it
im about to go on a date. im sure it will be perfectly normal and wont go viral or anything…
Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.
me after eating Cheetos
Me: I’ve got mismatched socks do you think that’s ok
Wife: I don’t think anyone’s gonna notice
Me: I’m gonna tell em
[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”
step 6: release the wall snake
I鈥檓 not saying that I鈥檇 summon Cthulhu to avoid work this morning, but I鈥檓 not ready to say that I wouldn鈥檛 either
me: well, one time i was in a team drinking race with some friends. we fell behind, so I started chugging double pours and we ended up winning a hard fought battle.
Interviewer: um ok, and weaknesses?
Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.
The Slow and The Furious: me navigating a shopping cart through a grocery store filled with morons.
Hmm, not sure about this change
I’m going to donate these clothes I don’t wear anymore to charity after I drive them around in the trunk of my car for eight months.
20 year old me)I’m going to be rich
30 year old me)I’m going to travel
40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person
50 year old me)I’m going to bed
[texting old friend I only hung out with cuz they had a trampoline] do u still got that trampoline
Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.
I’m ugly in California man. I got a job there at a poison control center and they just called me into the room when they needed someone to throw up
if this is wile e. coyote again I’m gonna be so mad
making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they鈥檙e either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs
My husband is mad at me because I’m finger quotes “condescending”.
Be nice or I鈥檒l put you in my novel and won鈥檛 change your name
Joe: Okay so we sneak in one night around February, steal his shoes
Obama: Joe
Joe: And then dump legos all over the floor
i think it鈥檚 time i give cats another chance. if any cats are reading this i just wanna say sorry for wanting to send u all to the military (even tho i still think it鈥檚 a good idea since u all have 9 lives) and i鈥檓 willing to start over if u are
Useful cooking directions would read: remove package from garbage, read instructions, repeat
Why did a spider just crawl out of the pants that I’ve been wearing all day?
WHY DID A SPIDER JUST CRAWL OUT OF THE PANTS THAT I’VE BEEN WEARING ALL DAY?!