@Kobykincaid: One of the first things they tell you in AA is to stop hanging around alcoholics. So I listened, and never went back.
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@Quartzjixler: Doritos has a new snack called "Taco Explosion" so I'm suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.
@TheWoodenslurpy: Me *hesitates to do CPR on a friend who’s on the floor, unconscious*: What if he comes back as a zombie 911 Operator: No, he'd have to be dead awhile, then reanimated through some kind of disease vector or lightning storm. Me: Thank you! Operator: That’s what we're here for.
@internetluke: [plane] "Is there a doctor on board?" Im a doctor "Okay quick the passenger is having a heart att- Of fine arts "What?" Doctor of Fine Arts