@sarcasticmommy4: One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.
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@flashember: JUDGE: That THING cannot enter ME: But Inky is my pet OCTOPUS IN AN ASTRONAUT'S HELMET FILLED WITH WATER:*squirts ink at him* INKY NOOOOo
@topaz_kell: The good news about falling down the stairs is that my Fitbit counted it as a mile walk.
@huntigula: Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me? Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?
@JesKeepSwimming: Sorry I can't make it to lunch today. I forgot to shorten "people" to ppl in a text this morning and now I'm totally behind schedule.