One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.
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You play the victim so well you probably have chalk in your pocket to outline your body
Home improvement paradox: every time you paint the inside of your house it gets a tiny bit smaller but every time you paint the outside of your house it gets a tiny bit larger
With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?
just can’t imagine being this mad at a pond
Dr: How can I help you?
Me: Can you make me look like this?
Dr: Ma’am, that’s a picture of Hello Kitty.
The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip
Some people wake up in the morning & are all like “omg I’m the luckiest person in the world” and I wake up all like “oh my god”
The imaginary line that separates North and South in the US is determined by the amount of sugar in an iced tea
Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.
GOD: you breathe water so you’ll be in the ocean
SHARK: nice
GOD: you breathe air so you’ll be on land
HORSE: cool
GOD: you’re huge and have fins, you’ll have to be in the ocean
BLUE WHALE: ok and I breathe water, yeah?
GOD: um
BLUE WHALE: um what?
wife: That guy is texting and driving! That is so dangerous!
me [holding a donut in each hand and steering with my knee]: So dangerous
[Wendy’s]
Me: *confidently walking up to the counter after they got my order wrong* i’d like to speak to wendy
My daughter acts like she’s on the police hostage negotiation team anytime me or her mother goes to the bathroom & shuts the door.
drake: twenni one, can you do something for meee
21 savage emerging from his pokeball: twenty one
Please remind your boss & Aunt Linda that I’ve trademarked the phrase “in these uncertain times” and they each owe me 50 bucks.
The first step when putting on a fitted sheet is, nope, it goes the other way.
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: Of course
W: Oh yeah, what did I say?
M: [smoke bomb]
W: I can still see you
M: [Another smoke bomb]
No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: *pulls laminated card out & hands it to him*
Card: “My over-preparedness.”
[holding a baby]
me: uh so how long have you been a baby?
I respect women so much I don’t even talk to them
Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.
I had a beautiful pearl of wisdom to tweet but I dropped it on the ground and one of my dogs ate it. I should have it back in 12 hours or so
good morning to everyone except people who leave themselves enough time to eat breakfast
I’m going to a dinner tonight for my husband’s work and he said, “Tonight I need you to be charming and funny and do not tweet about this.”
0 for 3 so far.
me: this house is making lots of creaky sounds
realtor: that just means it’s settling
my fiancee: *creaky sounds*
my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”
My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.
I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the chainsaw.
*lights cigarette
Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.