milk crate challenge: get a WHOLE bunch of crates, absolutely FILL them with my shit, and HELP me move this weekend
You Might Also Like
To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!
Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.
Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
Her: do we have an LED lightbulb
Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep
ME: If we get nuked I hope my cats live. They can eat my corpse for sustenance. I’d be fine with that.
DAD: So you’re still single
I bought myself one of those “off road vehicles” last week…
Paid $3000 for it, got it home and found out it was a Canoe!!!
I said to my wife, ‘Hey, I really love these new furry condoms.”
‘Bob, that’s a cat.’
Oh, you’re a parent? Then how many times have you moved a cup back from the edge of the table this week?
We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:
Omelet Easydozen
Florentine Pepperbatter
My mom’s favorite internet game is “Log me into the Facebook. Is this the Facebook? Is that your brother? Why is he drinking upside down?”
Video Games made me do it.
Rock n’ Roll made me do it.
Witches made me do it.
Satan made me do it.– a short history of responsibility
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
Lou Read is the name of my favourite musician and also the book I keep in the toilet
What do the movies Titanic and the Sixth Sense have in common? I see dead people. Get it? Icy dead people?
Happy Dad Joke weekend
[to the person sitting next to me on my flight] where u headed
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
Greese be like we go together like shamalamghwejghsdiuoeqwhgiwjrsdkhjkgwidjskbgfiuegkajsfkj
How do you ask a friend if she’s a human-reptile hybrid, but as a compliment? She never sweats and that’s for sure a third eyelid.
What is wrong with Riverdale that ARCHIE was the best option?
Every time I have sex I hear sitcom laughter in my head
*interrogating cat*
Admit it! You’re a Communist!
“Meow”
A no-good red!
“Meow”
Tough guy eh?
“Meow”
We can do this all night.
“Mao”
You–wait
My 7-year-old and I had many interesting conversations this morning. Why is the sun so hot? How do space rockets work? Why it’s too early to ask this many questions.
this independent good boy don’t need no human
According to WebMD, given my symptoms, I died 9 years ago.
You should never text and drive. All it takes is one moment of distraction and suddenly everyone in the group chat thinks you can’t spell.
“Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there,” we chant. Another agent appears inside the pentagram and screams. The dark lord feasts tonight.
[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf
“My kazoo!!!!” is apparently the 6 year-old version of finding $20 in the pocket of your winter coat from last year.
Okay, raise your hand if you put raisins in your oatmeal cookies.
Great. Now, make a fist with that hand & punch yourself in the face.