One of the lights in my bathroom is out. I look at least ten years younger.
You Might Also Like
If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them.
It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.
[job interview]
HR: *reading medical history* it says here you’re a former addict?
Me: *snorting lines off the desk* typo
Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.
I’m so out of touch with pop culture. My 5-year-old asked if DJ Marshmello was an actual marshmallow and I had to google it.
whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro
Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?
I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..
This morning when I woke my daughter for school she said I don’t like how you wake me with a soft voice so tomorrow I’m waking her with a kazoo.
[First date]
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m a florist”
WHY DON’T YOU LIKE THE FLOOR? WHAT HAS IT DONE TO YOU, IS IT BECAUSE IT’S LAVA?
If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.
i am developing a ground brekaing new app called “MOneyWallet”, where you earn “Money Points” by mailing cash to my house
Fun fact: On national donut day, offer the cop a donut, you won’t get a ticket.
Same with beer.. just not the one you’re drinking..
“Is it in yet???”
-My ATM, mocking me.
ME: wash the peanut butter off this knife
DISHWASHER: imma forge that peanut butter into an unbreakable rock on that knife
ME: please no
waiter: would you like anything else ma’am?
me: yes please, a box for the leftovers that I will most definitely leave here on the table.
“Why don’t you slip into something a little… less comfortable?” He tentatively asks while eyeing my knock-off Tweety Bird shirt with multiple sketti sauce stains.
Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”
Don’t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?
*doesn’t tweet for months*
*deep breath*
*cracks knuckles*Do you think Scooby Doo was supposed to be Scooby Dog and it was just a typo
Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴
The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.
a group of crows is a murder
a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder
Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law
My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.
Me: [buys four boxes of Girl Scout Cookies]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout Cookies.
toddler [getting ready to jump off the bed]
wife: Do something
me *takes phone out to record it*
wife: Do something else
Potty training the baby is backfiring. Now she waits by the door when I use the bathroom and as soon as she hears the toilet flush, she yells, “Good girl!!”
I asked a friend if he’d eat a piece of dog crap for $1K and he asked “From whose dog?” I’m having a hard time accepting that as a factor.
Right now Netflix is trying to figure out how 6 million people watched birdbox this weekend with only 22 active accounts
I knew Puff Diddy was a bad guy the minute I heard all the bad swear words in his songs