One of the lights in my bathroom is out. I look at least ten years younger.
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ME: It’s a gun fight, don’t say you brought a knife
ALANIS MORRISETTE [brandishing 10,000 spoons] I’m not an idiot
at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed
New smartphone: $1,000
Monthly fees: $200
Data overages: $75Never talking to anyone:
Priceless.
roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew
I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids
Time for evil
*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*
Teller: holy shit
Me: what
Teller: you suck at art
Hey Twitter, you get a new comic EARLY
14: hey dad- do you know what 9x9x9x9 is?
Me: I’m 40. I don’t need to know that anymore.
her: what’s this writing on your hand
me: I was cheating on an exam
her: it just says “hand”
me: yeah it was an anatomy exam
Italian names sound delicious. Even Mussolini, sounds like a fried cheese that ends up oppressing your digestive process. #Italians
The man standing outside the nursing home just asked if I had any teeth to sell
The real reason evolution started..😂
A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.
me:
Game of Thrones fan: man i just got out of a meeting that was a TOTAL Red Wedding. I thought heads were gonna roll like Ned Starks haha. Oh dont i owe you from lunch the other day? A Lannister always pays his debts! Anyway better bundle up out there, winter is coming LOL!!
Should I ever become president everyone who uses the word “bae” will be sterilized.
Oh thank god, you wouldn’t want your kid to ruin family booze night
My husband lost a bet and has to wash the dishes for a month, and I just got a credit card alert that someone just spent $200 at Costco.
If that man walks in the door with $200 of paper goods, I’m making it 2 months.
At Twitter HQ
J: Users haven’t complained in a while, what’s going on?
Devs: Oh, we’ve got just the thing
*releases update
interviewer: would u say ur driven
[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]
me: oh yes
Tattoos are a nice way to forever honor loved ones, like family members who have passed away, or skulls with bat wings that have passed away
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who got exactly what he wanted for breakfast. Apparently.
Tonight’s Golden Globes taught us that, no matter how much you spend on surgery, nobody looks good while sweaty.
“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.
Good news, guys. According to WebMD, I only have mild rabies or possibly demonic possession.
Someone asked me what was my favorite moment of 2021, and without a doubt it was when I searched for my phone in the dark by using the flashlight on my phone.
My sister and I are sat having KFC when she says she misses the lemon flavour packets they used to give out and I was like ??? they were lemon wipes for your hands?? and her face dropped.
Turns out she used to squeeze the lemon wipes onto her chicken 😭😂😭😂
My teens hanging with me at 7pm:
19yo: I need to email my professor!
15yo: That’s late for an old person.
19yo: He answered me back!
15yo: Wow! You sure he’s as old as Mom?
Me: Hey!
19yo: No–
Me: Thank you!
19yo: Definitely not as old as Mom!
Me: HEY!
BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole
Ruin your teen’s day by singing the wrong words to their favorite song.