@SCbchbum: One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.
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@LackOfShame: [movie theater] Her: *Hands me popcorn bag* Can you put this down? Me: *grabs bag* You stupid, overpriced, salty piece of shit!
@CM2BTTHD: I just saw my 25-year-old son run water on a slice of pizza to cool it off. I need to sit down.
@The_MartiniGirl: I love when people tell me to get my act together and I'm like who the hell is acting geez.