One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.
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Cargo pants imply the existence of passenger pants.
They say there’s no such thing as a stupid question but then they’ll go and wake you up to ask if you’re asleep.
Lucky for them, they’re cute
Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.
Taking bets on how long my kid will proudly trip over the pillowcase she’s wearing because pants weren’t “fluffy enough” this morning
I see lots of millennials doing great stuff and think “we’re gonna be okay,” then I remember they absolutely adored the Jonas Brothers
One man has two TCs, an ex with a troll account & a girlfriend who knows his passcode. How long does this man have to live?
Show your work.
Who needs horror films when there are true crime docs on Tinder dating
Missed connections: I was the guy in the Subaru listening to NPR; You were the river I briefly considered driving into.
I’m hearing terrible scratching noises coming from inside my walls and it better be demons because I can’t afford it to be squirrels right now
*Starts new job*
Co-worker: Hello
Me: How much was yo first check? 🧐😂
“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”
Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??
I can handle crows feet, I can handle random gray hairs, but telling me I need bifocals in my glasses…that optometrist never knew what hit him.
Me. I hit him.
Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?
Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”
*digs in purse to pay for purchase*
Me: Whew, wasn’t sure I had enough. *awkward laugh*Clerk: Would you like to donate $1 to…
Me: *starts digging again*
So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.
Toe: He just banged me into his dresser. Should I give him the most intense surge of pain he’ll ever experience?
Brain: Wait 2 seconds.
me: if I’m guilty of anything it’s caring too much…
judge: no it’s armed robbery
me: *clenches fist* about money
“There should be a less mean way of saying the F word because some people might forget they can’t say that in school”
– my 6yo, absolutely not talking about herself
Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.
Unsolved mysteries is my wife and I trying to figure out how we no longer have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we wore them.
One of my husband’s friends added me on Snapchat and I thought it was weird so I started a group chat for the three of us. 😂😇
Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today
“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt
NURSE: What’s your blood type?
ME: Oh, I’m not picky. I’ll drink any kind.
NURSE: What?
ME: What?
Him: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because I constantly use my toes as fingers?
Him: yes
Me: *wipes a tear off of his face with my big toe* Okay
Something extremely foolish must be done about all this.
“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene
“I have to eat every 7 minutes or I get cranky.”
“Ma’am, that’s not a valid reason to be excused from jury duty.”