@jakob_huber: One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.
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@KalvinMacleod: WIFE: there's a bear outside our tent ME: so W: so scare him off M: *unzips door* Donald Trump might become president *bear jumps into fire*
@ValeeGrrl: 7yo: Let's not talk ALL day today 6yo: Ok! Me: *holy shit yessss* 7yo: LET'S ONLY WHISTLE AND CLAP INSTEAD Me: Right. Of course.
@TheRealRHB: Debit card was repeatedly declined at the grocery store today. I was trying to buy vegetables so the bank just assumed the card was stolen