@weismanjake: One of the toughest parts of adulthood is figuring out how to stay friends with people who post too many selfies
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@ArfMeasures: [Wife rubbing her temples after I told her how my job interview went] What...what do you mean, you "tried some breakdancing"?
@QwertyJones3: Uh, guys... I just heard from my doctor, and it's bad news. If you've retweeted me recently, you should really go get yourself checked out.
@CornOnTheGoblin: me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin