@weismanjake: One of the toughest parts of adulthood is figuring out how to stay friends with people who post too many selfies
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@TheTweetOfGod: Justin Bieber's home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.
@IamEnidColeslaw: Birds do it, bees do it, even educated fleas do it. Let's do it. Let's live in a homeless man's beard.
@knot_eye: I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you're looking for a life coach or whatever.