@weismanjake: One of the toughest parts of adulthood is figuring out how to stay friends with people who post too many selfies
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@Kamikaze_Blonde: Some days parenting's like The Sound of Music but with less singing and more hiding from the Nazis.
@UnFitz: If I see a dog in a hot car, I'm always troubled. Why don't I have a hot car like that? How much does that dog make per year?
@QwertyJones3: Girl: I dumped my last boyfriend cause he always gave short answers. I never knew what he was thinking. That's so annoying, right? Me: Word
@Social_Mime: *calls restaurant* Me: Hi is your place a kid friendly restaurant? Host: Of course it is sir *hangs up*