“I’ll help you clean.” my toddler threatened
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Having a crush on someone sucks. If I wanted to gamble with my emotions, I would simply go to a convenience store, fill a slushie with 5 random flavors & let the lord decide whether it was delicious or not.
Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.
there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭
Marriage is your wife:
– Saying you are “the smartest person she knows”
– But not trusting you to buy the right items at the store to make a salad
me: I’m not feeling well
doctor: take your glove off
“Why is this food more expensive than it was this morning”
“Sir this is a Wendy’s”
Look son, every man is nervous the first time. Just take a deep breath, walk up to her, look her in the eye and ask her for directions.
I feel like it should be pretty obvious at this point that when I google “how long does [some food item] last” what I mean is “I am going to eat the food, please tell me how sick I should expect to get”
I don’t use gps. I’m tagged like a pet cat so when I get lost someone just returns me
Not me once again breaking something in the house that I’ve repeatedly warned my children to be careful with
Me: *pretending to smoke a hotdog like a cigar
Passport photographer: No
me: listen I’m pretty busy now can we do this tomorrow?
murderer: yeah sure sorry
Not to brag but I don’t need alcohol to do something stupid.
My toxic trait is checking my phone at 3am like there’s going to be something good waiting there.
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar
I don’t want to hear about any moonlit romantic walks on the beach…unless there’s a clown with a wooden club chasing you.
I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older
How the stock market works:
Seller: selling $20 for $25!
Buyer: [terrified] take my money!
I’m so confused when the TV voice before a show I’m about to watch says, “For mature audiences only.” Can I watch or not?
Her, 4: I want a baby! New baby sister? Or brother?
Me: We can’t have another baby. You would need a new daddy for mommy to have another baby
Her: New cat?
Yesterday there was a sign in our building lobby saying that a possum was living in our trash cans. This morning the sign was gone.
Best case scenario: The possum relocated overnight.
Worst case scenario: The possum took down the sign itself
I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.
Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.
Another wooden ball!!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?? I have like 12 already
“If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun”
~My son apparently
My teenage son Filbert was ejected from the Young Republicans for naming his pet lizard Bernie Salamanders. You bet your buns he’s grounded.
Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.
Most of parenting after your kids get cell phones is resisting the urge to text them things like “Where did you put my pen?? I saw you using it! Where is it?!!!” while they’re at school
From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”
Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.