One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.
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I vastly underestimated how many times my toddler would want to listen to Baby Shark on a cross-country road trip.
Me: I can’t get this damn sports bra on!
Him:
Me:
Him: that’s a plastic produce bag
Me: I FOUND IT IN THE MELON SECTION!
“Oh my god Harvey, you have GOT to see this bathroom.”
caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!
hamster: finally!!!
Me: for my first wish I want 20 dollars
Genie: done. and your second?
Me: infinite money
Genie: no can do
Me: *slips him my first wish* how about now
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.
ME: I’m sorry, I’m just really bad with names.
HIM: Hey, don’t worry about it. Do you want to check your wallet? It’ll be on your driver’s license.
So how do you stop eating the endless breadsticks at Olive Garden does the restaurant close or are you supposed to bring a spotter with you?
If you don’t know me, don’t judge me. Unless you’re making me a pizza and you say
“This woman looks like she wants extra cheese.” That’s ok
So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
Had a tiny prick in my gums today at the dentist
Anyway, thought of you
High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.
I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.
doc: [looking at clipboard] no no this isn’t good at all
me: omg why god whyy
doc: i asked for goldenrod and this form is ivory
me: wait, i’m not dying?doc: whoa there, hold your horses
Cashier: Next
Me: Why are these fingerless gloves full price?
Cashier: Oh shit it’s you again
(Sigh)
I used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.
Now I sleep like a bear and eat like a horse…
My uncle (111 M) gifted me (50 M) a ring before leaving to go travelling. A close family friend (2,019 M) told me to destroy the ring due to problematic associations with the jeweller who made it, but the ring is precious to me and I would feel guilty throwing it away. AITA?
Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.
Animal testing is pointless. We already know they’re animals.
A: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
B: You mean a choir?
A: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
…her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April’s fool.
Wife & son backing out in the car,
4yo: “So LONG, suckers!” [slams garage door]
4yo [opens door again]: “Not you Mommy!”
I’m teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there’s no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.
My dog is doing her silly “I Just Made A Giant Poop” happy dance. I’m happy for her but also like, super jealous.
My dress code is business-casualty.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “mussel”
me: can you use it in a sentence?
judge: check out the mussels on this fisherman
me: umm
Wooden Horsie 🐴
Product review:
The craftsmanship is beautiful & the quality of the wood is good. But interior is filled with Greek soldiers that ended up murdering everyone I love. Would NOT recommend this product to friends and family (because they’re all dead). 2/5 stars.
colleague: do u like the clown from IT?
me: nah he never fixes my computer