One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”
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Me: Do you wanna do a scavenger hunt?
Kid: Nah, I’m just gonna play on the iPad
Me: Perfect! Because guess what I just hid
Toddler: we watch peed her pants
Me: you peed your pants?
Toddler: no PEED HER PANTS
Me: who peed her pants!?
Toddler: we watch PEED HER PANTS!!!
Me: Peter Pan?
Toddler: ya peed her pants
I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT
Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone
If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way
I’d been waiting so long for my doc, when the assistant came out and called for Krokowski, I said right here, here I am and ran back before Krokowski knew what happened.
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
[How salad was created]
You know, it would taste better if there was more of us.
– Single piece of lettuce
Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
I went to a baby group yesterday where the babies had to ‘pick’ toy vegetables and the v enthusiastic group leader said ‘everyone grab an aubergine’ and I said ‘that’s how we got into this mess in the first place, amiright?’ and literally nobody laughed
When I put my mind to something I can procrastinate about anything.
Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites
For being the most motivated sperm,
Some of us have really tapered off.
The robotic urge to ask humans to prove they’re not robots.
*office*
Me:…
Coworker:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:*puts headphones on*
CW: Hey just sent you an email
I’m like Helen of Troy. Not in the sense of being breathtakingly beautiful, but in the sense of pissing people off and starting wars
I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.
I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down unearthly monsters
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
55% of all country music songs in the ’70s described the tightness of someone’s jeans
Me: Bitch, try me.
Judge: That’s exactly what we’re doing here!
flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane
me: this is my emotional support refrigerator
Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*
*Grave robbers exempt.
Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do busboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a boy loves a bus very, very much…”
*i got to get into bed but theres a walrus in there*
*i ask him politely to move*
*he wont move*
*i have to sleep on the floor & im annoyed*
quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to
Remember to check on elderly neighbours in this hot weather, as they usually have ice creams in the freezer.
Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn’t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It’s causing quite a stir…
[job interview]
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?