The local kid haircut place (the kind where you sit in cars and planes) closed unexpectedly for a month and all the little kids are wandering around town looking like Tom Hanks in Castaway right before he built that raft
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Me: Powers out. I’ll eat all the food in the fridge so it doesn’t spoil
Wife: You just turned off the lights
Me: *3 tacos in my mouth* what?
got my mind on my money and my money
is nowhere to be found.
Havent picked sides in Gamer gate yet.. which do I like more.. the entire female gender or the thing where I pretend to kill people on Tv..
Me: Did you get my RSVP to your open bar?
Friend: You mean my wedding?
Me: Yeah, sure!
My mom just replied to my text with “K.” Whooooaaa busy lady, is there some emergency over on FarmVille?
Me: why aren’t you eating your peas?
5: sometimes kids just don’t want peas, you wouldn’t understand
Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?
3-year-old: Babies are jerks.
King Midas: *turns something to gold for the first time* Au yeah
Relationship stress can make you very confused!
Could you believe me , I entered a taxi today and forgot to sit down ?
Just finished reading the Declaration of Independence to my kids, and they went to live with their dad
On an afternoon walk, a handsome stranger hands you a note. It says “By the time you read this, I will already be petting your dog.” You look down. It’s true.
When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?
If you wear a mask during a meeting no one can see you scream but they sure can hear you.
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.
” National No Bra Day”?
I say pics or it didn’t happen day.
Idk why this guy is alway bitching about his wife, she seems great. When I ate his lunch today the”I love u”note she left him made me smile.
Everything reminds me of my ex
My current diet all ends with an S.
Pizzas.
Hamburgers.
Tacos.
Nachos.
Everything that’s in sights.
I love art.
Hey bro, nowhere on your cologne bottle does it say “marinate in”
The children were nestled
all snug in their beds
until they had to pee
get a drink
show me they can whistle
and ask me if birds have teeth.
I have, a really beautiful body
under my floor boards
Women: The best part of my day, is taking off my bra.
Men: Same.
Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*
*Grave robbers exempt.
[killer in horror movie suddenly appears]
me: *sighing* ugh I JUST sat down
Whoever keeps replacing soccer balls with cats is my personal hero
[flying to Vegas]
TSA agent: The metal detector is going crazy. Do you have any metal on you?Me: Just my lucky rabbit’s foot key chain, my lucky penny, my lucky bronzed four-leaf clover and my lucky horseshoe.
I let my baby girl know she can do anything.
Except taking the bow out of her hair cuz IT’S REALLY CUTE AND SHE NEEDS TO LEAVE IT ALONE.
Instructor: Welcome to our Summer with Kids Preparedness class. Our first lesson is how to apply sunscreen. Everyone grab an angry raccoon.
im always more attracted to women wearing glasses, like deep down i know naturally poor eyesight provides my best chances