@kadyngriffiths: One person gets an idiom wrong and it spreads like wildflower
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@tuckerflodman: *Snowman wakes up in hospital* "What happened to me?!" Snow Doctor: Don't worry you're fine. But... what did you think a snow blower did?
@pplwtching: Rhythmic banging against the wall, his hands grasping the sheets. Unable to get what he needs, he gets out of bed to turn off the Roomba.
@KelFocker: A homeless guy asked me for 50 cents for a sandwich. I said, "First let me see the sandwich."
@Roxtalled: Opening a Twitter account is like opening a bag of money after you rob a bank. You're happy until shit explodes in your face.