Jurassic World: A generically modified smart 50 ft monster has turned violent and this, for some reason, took people by surprise.
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SHAGGY: hey Scoob you look like you have a bad case of updog
SCOOBY-DOO: rut’s updog
SHAGGY: not much what’s up with you man lol
SCOOBY-DOO: ruck rou Raggy
Me, dressed as Zeus: Release the kraken!
Son, *from his holding cell*: Just bail me out. Why are you like this?
I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.
My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar
*in confessional*
well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers
*Food hits floor*
Little Germs: “Let’s get it!”
King Germ: “No!!! We must wait 5 seconds……”
bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
Not many people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist that experimented with cadavers.
His name was Frank
The city I live in has the highest rate of stalkings in Canada. I told a girl at the grocery store this. Then I told her at the gym.
(plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth) divorth??
Pro Tip: I’m not a pro. Don’t listen to my tips.
when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?
He wanted to make sure😂
[pushing my son in his stroller]
Stranger: awww aren’t you adorable! how old are you?
Me: 35
Stranger: I was talking to him
Me: He doesn’t know how old I am.
This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.
I am NOT a grammar Nazi!
I’m alt-write.
The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.
If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar you can make three more granola bars.
Welcome to Twitter.
Here is where you will find the original authors of all of the jokes and memes that you see on other platforms.
[looking disappointed at the playboy mansion]
i was told there’d be bunnies
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…a raise?
HR: You know we monitor internet usage right?
Me: I’d like to report a hacking!
I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.
HER: *spitting out food* This is GROSS! What did you put in this?
ME: Old Spice. Just like you said to.
HER: I said ALL spice, you idiot!
*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*
I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.
Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.
INTERVIEWER: And you know how to operate a forklift?
ME: Yah, that’s how I eat pal
A Jurassic Park movie where nothing goes wrong just 2 of the employees fall in love & later a baby dino is the ring bearer at their wedding
Despite being terrified of alligators, I’ve taken a job at the Florida Everglades just so I can tell people I’ve been swamped at work all week.