One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm
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I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea ever.
[touching face upon receiving compliment]
Glad you like it. But, it’s not a teardrop tattoo. It’s an Oxford comma.
2022 be like
House is a mess … Walked in the other day and there were 2 people on the couch blindfolded and filming a Fabreeze commercial
peep davidson
ME: sorry, I’m just in a really dark place right now
COAL MINER: who the hell are you
DEATH: You’re grounded! Get back here!
DEATH’S DAUGHTER: Whatever. *gets on motorcycle, zooms across tightrope*
DEATH: HOW DARE YOU DEFY ME!
people will be like “ew putting your suitcase on your bed is the most disgusting thing you could do” and it’s like no. not me. i’m capable of much more disgusting things
I hate when I’m waiting for the elevator and someone else casually walks up and presses the button to open the elevator door.
ME: Please, I beg you, just tell me the ingredients.
RECIPE SITE: Sure!
ME: Thank you.
RECIPE SITE: After I explain WHY I love these ingredients—
ME: *Whispers* No.
RECIPE SITE: —It was a crisp, fall evening, and I, a wide-eyed college student, was studying in Rome.
Sometimes I think my crossfit instructor is a truly great guy who is helping us improve ourselves and sometimes I think he’s a sadist who conned us into giving him money to do burpees
You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!
“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion
After all this Starbucks cup controversy, if Taco Bell was smart, they’d start serving their burritos in little cardboard mangers
whenever i’m laughing i’m always like omg just like that cow from that cheese
That moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, hit a lamp, and kill your dog.
I have mixed feelings about birthdays, the aging sucks but I do quite enjoy using the day to manipulate people into giving me things.
Me: I’m not gonna go crazy this year
Also me: cooks 85 dishes for Thanksgiving and wonders why there are so many leftovers
Dude just wanted a popsicle…
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband
Threads is like Adibas trainers or a Bolex watch
stealing a sock from the laundry: easy. childish. been done many times before
stealing a sock directly from the human’s foot: brave. daring. immediately in the history books
Me: You know when you borrowed my car, you left the seat back. I spent the entire day not able to drive right. I kept wondering if I shrunk or the car grew.
Son: can you just call and wish me good luck on my finals like a normal mom?
My kid can’t remember if it’s “heck” or “hell” that he’s not supposed to say in school, so he’s been switching between them both and I’ll just go ahead and pencil in a meeting with his teacher now
when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late
Instructor: Welcome to our Summer with Kids Preparedness class. Our first lesson is how to apply sunscreen. Everyone grab an angry raccoon.
It’s embarrassing when my wife pats me down for concealed chicken nuggets in front of our friends.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?
My veterinarian asked a lot of personal questions. He was all like “Why do you want so much horse tranquilizer?” & “Do you even own horses?”