@dadcid: one small step for man one giant step for a really small man
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@LostInMyWorld97: Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn't having it. I made her drag me the whole time.
@dafloydsta: [couples therapy] HER: His obsession with Star Wars is tearing us apart ME: *covering my Yoda doll's ears* Hear you he can, Karen
@kellysdf: It's important to know your neighbors by name. For instance, "Mr. Mean Old Man" and his wife, "Screamy".
@stevevsninjas: Officer, this ticket says 1:59 am, but thanks to daylight savings, it's now 1:00. So slow down, TimeCop, I haven't committed the crime yet.