Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there
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Excuse me, the movie Inception, you’re gonna tell me you had like 10 people jumping between levels of everyone’s subconscious and yet there were ZERO sex dreams? Uhhhh that’s a damn plothole my guy!!!!
I hate when I’m beating my grandma in Mario Kart and she kicks the controller out my hands.
I’m not a doctor, which is why I’m able to offer surgeries for so much less than my competitors.
Podiatrists don’t use metric.
They only deal with feet.
Today I learned that when getting a pedicure with your wife, don’t tell the salon girl “thanks for the amazing toe job”.
The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.
Pro tip: when you accidentally shrink your son’s favorite game day sweater, look him in the face, lie, and say he must be making huge gains at the gym.
Me: are you doodling?
My kid:
My kid: idk I just saw you coming in and tried to look busy
Me: (plops myself next to 9 on his bed)
9: Wow. You’re heavy. You made a mini earthquake
Me: (pushes 9 off the bed)
9: What the heck was that?!
Me: Aftershock
Woke up at 5am because I rolled over and my foot got too close to my dog and he started barking to make sure me and all my neighbors knew.
How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?
Men: 58
Women: 1
who called them sea lions and not soggy doggies
My beach vacation Google searches
Karate Kid (1984, PG): An old Asian man tricks a bullied teenager into doing household chores for him.
[126 minutes]
Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.
[First day of class at law school]
*raises hand*
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?
I know this is the kind of thing everyone avoids talking about, but I’m going to say it.
I think I’m smarter than most, if not all, babies.
EDWARD SNOWDEN: I can help determine the writer of that anonymous op-ed
TRUMP: What op-ed?
EDWARD SNOWDEN: Not much, what’s op with you?
[Name origins]
Mr. Miller: I grind wheat into flour.
Mrs. Smith: I hammer iron on an anvil.
Mr. Duckworth: THAT MALLARD SHOULD COST $6.
[naming god’s creations]
mammal 93: [waiting in line] i can’t wait to hang out with you on earth
insect 7: me neither. you’re my best friend
angel: next! insect 7, you are now an ant
insect 7: yay!
angel: mammal 93, you are now an anteater
mammal 93: ya- wait wut?
I’m pretty bad at math until someone orders mozzarella sticks for the table.
“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.
Weird how I can’t seem to reach anything at the grocery store when bearded men are around
Amazon Prime: can I take your order
Megatron: hi, I’d like… omg
Amazon Prime: *horrified* oh no
Megatron: YOU ARE Amazon Prime lol
Amazon Prime: *holding back tears* it’s just a job
I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
Me: Go to school!
9yr Old: It’s Sunday.
Me: Go to church!
9yr Old: I’m Jewish.
Me: Convert!
The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevin’s parents bought this house for like $250K.
Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?
*walking into our new house*
ME: Whaddya say we christen our new home?
HER: *giggling* OK*later, flinging holy water*
ME: GET OUT GHOSTS