One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.
You Might Also Like
Wrong hole! It’s too tight!
-me putting on my watch, you pervs
After 5 minutes of staring at grass, I came to the realization that Earth has green hair. That’ll do, brain. That’ll do.
Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.
If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.
My sweet-as-can-be daughter who’s never even once gotten in trouble listens to podcasts about serial killers to relax, if you’re wondering about the healthy home environment I’ve provided.
*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*
Me: I’ll have a Dr.Pepper.
Waiter: Is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: Is he a doctor?
Escape rooms because why sit in your house with your kids when you can pay someone to lock you in a room with them and force you all to solve puzzles
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
What idiot called them “Female condoms” and not Estrojans?
I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese
“So you want a cheeseburger?”
Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad
I like to live on the edge by taking my kids for a haircut and then going home to show my wife what I let happen
For only £3 a month you can adopt an economy passenger. Help us stop the brutal and inhumane way we treat them by donating today. You’ll receive a framed picture of your very own economy passenger and regular updates as to where their luggage might be. Thank you
It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
ME: (to my heist crew) let’s ditch our getaway car in this pond
(puts rock on gas pedal, car revs into pond, disappears underwater)
ME: ok now….wait what’s that splashing
(Car emerges from the water on the far shore and just keeps going)
NARRATOR: The all new Chevy Malibu
My nail technicians always speak their native language around me and I can’t help but feel left out…it’s like…come on besties…I want to make fun of me too
The overwhelming urge to stick my finger in queso every time I see some is why I could never work at a Mexican restaurant.
Me: I’m copying & pasting some text & clicking “keep formatting.” no need to change the case
Word: sweet, I’ll change the font
Me: no no keep the font
Word: ok I’ll just change the size
Me: please keep the size the same
Word: u want a different colour u cheeky lil shit lol
i got pulled over & my vape was in my cup holder & the cop was like “u know the news saying those things are killing people”
i laughed a lil bit & said “they say the same thing about yall lol”
he ain’t laugh
“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”
DUDE!
Why didn’t you make
better life choices?![Me to the cicada as it hits my car]
there are some wounds only potatoes can heal
I always weigh myself before I get in the shower so the water droplets don’t add additional weight. I also suck in my stomach before I get on the scale. That seems to help.
Pro debating tip:
Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.
Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”
Used to work with a grumpy older guy called Philip Eno and I was always too scared to ask if he was related to Brian Eno. Anyway, years later I actually met Brian and I said to him: “Is your brother Philip Eno?”. He replied: “No, he’s English”.
Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,
say, “I lost half a super-model”
my gf: don’t tell my dad how we met
me: ok
[later]
her dad: so how did you two meet?me: *startled* I’ve never seen her before in my life