One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.
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I told my kids they could have everything they want from the Amazon toy catalogue all they have to do is cut out the pictures and play with them which worked out great because now they’re not talking to me so problem solved
Made a dermatology appt for a really weird mole I’d never seen. It was a burned crumb of pizza crust that fell down my shirt. So anyway, I ate it and called my eye doctor.
Detective: I see, and how long has she been missing?
Me: (holding back tears) 3 days
D: Mmhm. And we have her Instagram so we know what she looks like
M: Not really
Me at 14: *reads three Harry Potter books in one day*
Me at 27: *sees a text that’s longer than 2 sentences* holy shit, I just do not have the time for this
I’m going to use colored chalk for your outline.
Husband: …
English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather
the human says there are two options. inside or outside. but if they would simply. elevate their mindset. they would uncover a third option: stand in the doorway. and sniff the air
Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I’m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that’s cheating?
Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.
Well, when we ordered nachos, you ate all the ones in the middle with the most cheese, but no… I have no idea who set your car on fire.
Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.
Him: I’m so high right now…no one has ever been so high
Me: oh yeah? *whips out a photo of my hair circa 1989*
I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.
I’ve never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing
Get off my horse you stupid moon
I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.
at least 60% of our marriage is saying “come look at the dog”
*opens can of Pringles*
*finds my lost keys*
Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.
An app that detects itself running on other people’s phones, then both devices play Random Encounter music. What happens next is up to you.
*1st day as the Dr’s assistant*
Igor: lol. for a second there I thought you said a ‘teen-building exercise’.
Dr Frankenstein: that’s correct.
It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.
Catwoman’s full name is Catherine Woman.
I’m very sorry, I must inform you, the stupidity has metastasized.
A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?
Lawyer: As My Lord knows,…
Judge: Don’t presume I know it, counsel.
Lawyer: Beg pardon. *clears throat* As My Lord ought to know…
i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying
SON: *first word* momma.
MOM: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
ME: *distracted by the faint song of an ice cream truck*
He never comes down our street.
Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.
Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.