One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.
Or I need new glasses. Again.
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“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.
YO TWITTER PLEASE PLEASE HELP ME OUT. THIS IS MY DREAM AND WOULD BE BEYOND BLESSED IF YALL CAN HELP A DUDE OUT. RETWEET!!!
Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..
My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.
Oh predictive text, how you tournament me.
[the Schrödinger home – Vienna, 1897]
“You see? She is both dead and al-”
“Erwin, let your cousin out of the bathroom. NOW.”
Anybody want to buy some exercise equipment? I’m having a going-out-of-fitness sale.
Waitress: Can I take this out of the way for you?
Me: [glances at wife] uh…sure
Wife: SHE MEANS THE PLATE, IDIOT
my friend, ted: i hear you’re pretty competitive
me: yeah i guess so
my enemy, ted: want to play a game
I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.
Dear people who write “That’s it. That’s the tweet” at the end, we know it’s a tweet. It’s Twitter. Can’t be a tax return.
I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.
Lego better be trying to cure child cancer with how much their shit cost.
Met my boyfriend on eharmony, also eharmony is the nickname I gave this vending machine, meet my sandwich
1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”
20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh
Magician: I’d like a volunteer to be cut in half
Me: I’ll do it
Magician: You’ll never love anyone as much as you did Emily
Me: *crying* He’s good
Wife: What
Waking up in my 20s: shoot I have a pimple
Waking up in my 30s: shoot I have unresolved trauma in my lower back
I’ve been watching HGTV with my wife for the past two hours, and just once – just ONCE – I would like to see a couple looking for a home who hates entertaining.
No, please continue to talk loudly on the phone, smoke & spit next to my table. No problem! I’m just going to follow you home and kill you.
Kids will keep you humble. If not by their words, then by the picture they drew of you.
My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.
saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs
I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.
Dropping your phone going up the escalator & catching right before it hits, awesome!
The woman in front of you wearing a short dress turning around and thinking you’re trying to take an up shot, not so awesome.
*shrugs*
*swipes right*
My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
If you like 28 tweets of mine in a row, you’re my boyfriend now. I didn’t make this up. I’m just as upset as you are.