THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals
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#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭
When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”
Ok Canada, poutine is great, but you should try putting mashed potatoes and gravy on the fries. I’d try it here but we don’t have universal healthcare.
Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers
If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”
me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank
Ninjas owed people money. You don’t get that good at hiding without owing people money.
Logged into Facebook.
‘Happiness is like a butterfly….’
Logged out of Facebook.
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
When someone looks over my shoulder while I’m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, “HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME.”
i cannot say the word synonym without sounding drunk.
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the night of the 3rd?”
Stabbing a homeless man.
“Louder for the tape?”
Wrapping a boneless ham. As a gift.
My dogs have requested that I stop trying to homeschool them.
I figured out how to eat rice cakes. You have to frost them and then dip them into marshmallow fluff. Diet food isn’t so bad.
Nature show: pythons can grow over 20 feet
Me: they’re gonna need so many shoes
I’m new to confession. Is it normal for the priest to cry and ask for a priest?
Cop: Ma’am, Are you intoxicated?
Me: Are YOU intoxicated!
Cop: No
Me: Prove it!
Cop: *puts handcuffs on me*
Me: I like where this is going.
I never eat breakfast at home, but when on vacation I go out for breakfast every day and am like “YES I’D LIKE THE STARVING LUMBERJACK GUTBUSTER PLATTER AND A SIDE PILE OF BACON.”
Don’t tell me how to live my life, box.
Birdwatcher? I’m more of a bird ogler. A pair of nesting cardinals filed a restraining order against me in ‘07.
Thinking about crashing people’s romantic dinner and screaming “Who is she?”
There are some people that, when you think about them, you just feel better. And that’s nice.
Tomorrow I’m going to start using big words to sound smart….Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence
Oh your gums are bleeding? I brush my teeth so hard my hand is bleeding
A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.
Me: Please be quiet. I’m trying to hear this show.
3-year-old: OK
*breaks into song*
*turns on every talking toy*
*detonates fireworks*
With inflation, it would be Mambo No. 6.59 in 2013
My kid just yanked out a loose tooth and set it next to the flowers he got me, and is that…is that part of the gift
I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.