Haha I love my wife. I just told her to calm down and now she’s in the backyard digging a 6 feet long hole to calm herself down. What a woman!
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I love when the parent in a movie says goodnight and the kid actually goes to bed for the rest of the night. I laugh, I cry, I roll my eyes
cat vs inanimate object
me: thinking about getting into necrophilia
her: over my dead body
me: that’s the spirit
Science update: dog earwax still tastes bad
Got a text from an unknown number that said “I’m on my way,” so I’m tweeting this from the closet.
My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.
[first day as a preschool teacher]
ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*
Bartender: YOU’RE the guy that drinks from the soap dispenser in the toilets?
Me: [I try to say “NO” but it’s just lavender scented bubbles]
I was just on a date with a woman and, while showing me a video on her phone, saw she received a text that said “well, looks aren’t everything.” Oof
Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance
If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”
Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this
People who write “loosing” when they mean “losing” need to get loost.
“Why tattoos? You wouldn’t put stickers on a nice car.” Ma’am I am at best a 2003 Corolla.
when steven spielberg was my age he was directing Jaws. meanwhile i am posting stuff like “drunk yoda be like ‘good to drive i am, give me the keys you will'”
It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found
did the people you had a crush on always like you back or are you funny?
[bank]
Robber: EVERYONE GET DOWN!
Me: [crying] my wife left & my kids think I’m a joke
Robber: No I mean-
Robber2: Wait! Let him finish
Me: If I had a nickel for every time a guy interrupted me, I’d-
Some guy: Be rich?
Me: -put them in a sock and hit you with it
*swivels around in evil chair*
*evil laugh*
*pets evil cat*
*evil cat laughs*
*jumps out of evil chair*
“Holy shit, that cat just laughed!”
Me: I’m here to collect my pre-demon.
Lady: Sir, at this animal shelter, we call them kittens.
The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order
My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.
How do I tell Instagram I don’t want to see guys almost eaten by gators?
Hello 911 my son is a terrorist he won’t eat AMERICAN cheese. Almost two. Yes I’ll hold.
Hello Child Protection Services my son is a terrori
Pre-surgery instructions: Do not wear makeup the day of surgery.
Surgeon: But I want to look pretty.
Nurse: You can come inside now.
*Stands up*
*Dusts off jacket*
*Straightens bow tie*
*Fastens cufflinks*
*Ahem*
“That’s what she said”
If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.
I hate when my friends stand so close to me when pictures are being taken. It’s like they don’t know I plan on cropping them out later.
Them: life is so unfair sometimes
Me, thinking of how I’ve never been befriended by a wild animal: yeah it really is