One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies
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i love treating twitter as my diary. this is my zoo enclosure and my followers are the tourists watching me eat hay
Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes
Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.
No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.
It finally happened.
After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.
In case nobody has Facebook, it’s cold outside.
The ruling that legal papers can now be “served” on Facebook is ridiculous. Don’t they know the people they’re looking for are on twitter?
Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?
Antique dealer: …What?
Me: go get em tiger!
Tiger: *mauls everyone*
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
I goofily dance over to my pals. Shit. These r strangers. Just… dance past them to my actual friends. Oh no. Help I need 2 find some1 I know
Hi, welcome to dating. These are your two options:
1. Stay together forever
2. Break upNo pressure.
Sleep is the body’s best safety mechanism. It keeps you from screwing things up for 8 hours.
I hired a roofer…
but then he came down with the shingles
Everybody’s big on freedom until they find you passed out naked on their boat
Me: I’ll take ‘Marriage’ for 800 Alex
Alex: Having one wife too many
Me: What is bigamy
Alex: Nooo. We were looking for, what is monogamy
He’s the one. I know it. Don’t you agree?
Jar of pickled onions: I think you’ve had enough to drink
Old video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes!”
New video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes… but also, take some time to appreciate how emotionally complex it is to be a parent!”
Roommate: So how was the party?
Me: Good! A lot of cool people came up and started talking to me
[flashback to party]
Cool Person: Are you in line for the bathroom?
Me: Yeah
Why don’t they just call pot head janitors ‘ High maintenance ‘ ?
WIFE: you need a haircut
ME: I do not
WIFE: *whistles and a little bird pops up on top of my head, chirping*
ME: shhhh, she just had babies
The asteroid..
A younger man said I have a smokin hot body for an older woman…
I’m not sure if I should thank him or put him in a time-out.
people with the flu: *stay in bed*
people with corona:
Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.
*wraps bacon in bacon wrapped bacon*
Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.
It’s sad how many people out there are not getting the lobotomy surgery they need
My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.
My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary