@haolegurl808: One thing you can count on: For every idiot proof system devised, a new and improved idiot will arise to overcome it.
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@UtilityLimb: the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you're about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person
@Storminika: A kid next to me at Starbucks says I smell like his dad. I'm like 'Well, your Dad's an alcoholic. Scram!'
@KalvinMacleod: [date] HER: no more Scooby Doo imitations ME: ok WAITER: today's special is baby octopus ME: [Shaggy voice] zoinks HER: I’m done ME: ruh roh
@degg: the cvs cashier asked me how im doing as i put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. "not great man ive got diarrhea" i told him