We’ve come full circle
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INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: I’m good at untying knots
INTERVIEWER: oh thank god can u get these running shoes off of me?
I love how my period tracker sends me notifications about potential mood swings as if I’m not already sitting there crying into a bag of chocolate chips
Interviewer: Can you explain the gap in your CV?
Me: I spent 6 hours formatting it in Google Docs and you’ve opened it in Word.
My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
your quarterback name is your grandfather’s first name and the last thing you did mine’s Dom Paintwall. ok you go
Me: What’s an easy oatmeal cookie recipe?
Every recipe website: While I was technically born in Ohio in 1983, my soul was born last summer in rural Tuscany…
A service where I can hire a child actor to come to my home and pretend to love the cartoons I watched back in the day so my kids will think they’re cool and I don’t have to watch any of this new bullshit.
It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.
okay run it by me one more time
Where are you going?
“Ice fishing”
You know you can just buy ice at the store right?
“No I mean th…”
Or just freeze some water even…
Light as a feather, smorg as a board
When I was a kid my mom didn’t really stop me for doing dangerous things she would just repeat over and over “if you’re going to be dumb, you have to be tough.” I think about this as an old man often while doing dumb things
[Joining a gang]
me: so who do I stab for initiation?
members: again, this is a book club
[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”
An interesting development in the Kim <> Kanye saga
Did you know?
Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.
Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?
Wife: get a babysitter.
It’s sad that a few fake Nigerian princes have ruined it for all the good Nigerian princes who are just looking to wire 24 million dollars.
the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders
This is the final season of Young Sheldon.
I hope they don’t kill him off.
Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.
if he likes you he will let you know. if he wants to talk to you, he’ll text. do nothing. you’re a beautiful object. pretend you’re a tree
the cat has to wear the cone of shame and i woke up to her standing over me like a homicidal lamp and any way i’ll never be going back to sleep again
Something good is coming my way I can feel it. Nothing life changing, probably just a hotdog
God please let it be a hotdog
My 1-year-old has been beeping at me all morning.
I thought there was something wrong with her.
Turns out she’s being R2-D2.
I remember my first time at a mic. “Cleanup on aisle 5” & “Price check-Advil” were two early bits that really seemed to resonate with folks.
I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.