One time a cute guy I liked mooned his friend as a prank but there was a tiny piece of toilet paper in his crack & it haunts me to this day
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[shampoo bottle falls in the bath]
all other bottles: WE ARE COMING FOR YOU, BROTHER
me:[drinking from a human skull]
him: is that full of blood?
me: don’t be gross [forgetting if his name is Robert or Roger] Robgert.
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
Fun tip:
Go to carnivals, scatter nuts and bolts around rides to cut down on wait times.
*thumbs up*
Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.
I don’t have a reason to post this I just love it
I live in fear of the day my kid asks “where’s all my other drawings?”
6: I say “yes ma’am” and “no ma’am” to my teacher
Me: You sure didn’t learn those great manners from me. Where’d you learn that?
6: Chick-fil-A
I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.
Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”
HR reminds us to proof read before sending
Police officer: Have you had anything to drink?
Me:No
PO:Ok, blow into here
Me:But there are no candles
PO:Ma’am please get out of the car
The one night I drag the lawn chair into the yard, I see a neighbor I haven’t seen in 3 years and she has a shovel. Is this how it all ends?
Sneaking into my neighbour’s home just to raid the kitchen and then accidently setting the house on fire is how I will end up in prison.
If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.
My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year…
~Only 15 more to go!!
some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil
Guilt should be a condiment. It goes on everything.
Last time I saw my boyfriend he was getting on a plane to Helsinki. You might say he vanished into Finnair.
My summer body has been pending for about ten years
Bruce Wayne was terrified of bats & he became Batman, so anyway that’s why I became ClownBaboonDentistMan
I’m not saying that I haven’t slept for a while, but could you kindly ask your eyebrows to stop rearranging themselves on your face?
It’s pretty funny that the kid voted most likely to succeed in high school just made my value meal.
Oh that’s my brother, he has his own apartment upstairs
Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!
I’ve never “hopped on a call.” I’ve trudged begrudgingly towards my webcam like a prisoner walking the plank
I’m learning that a large percentage of my students believe they could talk their way out of being sent to a concentration camp.
“Opening a llama acting school called ‘Save the Drama for your Llama.”
“No, I mean where do you see yourself in 5 years with this job?”
Not to brag about how well my diet is going, but I just had to put a whole new hole in my belt.
Sure it was at the wrong end, but that’s still progress, right?
Me: Bob, it’s pronounced CHANGING, not a-changin’.
Bob Dylan: ?
Me: Can someone teach Bob to say CHANGE?
*David Bowie stands up*
Me: Not you
Boss: Stop copy and pasting responses from previous emails
Me: sounds good
Sent from my iPhone
Sent from my iPhone