One time a friend said that he “ain’t never had no nothing”. It remains the only time where I have heard someone use a quadruple negative.
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[doctor presses play]
couple: maybe a different donor
this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀
I returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly
Hubby took the kids downstairs and is letting me sleep in! I’m so excit..never mind, I hear crying already. I think it’s my husband.
me: [waiting in line at the bank]
other bank robber: “keith just go to the front”
I can’t come into work. I opened a cursed sarcophagus and now I gotta put a pharaoh’s soul to rest. I DUNNO, TAD, I’LL PROBABLY BE IN MONDAY
Iceland is like a guy who brags he was prom king and captain of the varsity basketball team and yearbook editor and then you find out he was homeschooled.
“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.
Interviewer: We offer great benefits.
Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?
Travis Kelce is living the dream of every unknown comedian rn. Having hordes of people share your old tweets and being like, “this guy is hilarious”
I was told you have to wait an hour after you finish eating to swim. I didn’t know there was such a thing as an hour after you finish eating
Genie: You have one wish left… use it wisely.
My dumb brain: I wish to know why sandwiches taste better when cut diagonally.
My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.
My kid’s high school did a random search of all the lockers today and guess who’s teenager stood in front of her locker and yelled, “SHOW ME THE WARRANT!!”
Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)
The USS B port
If nothing else, the iOS7 update has proved it’s usefulness by automatically adding the little accent mark to the word jalapeño for me.
ME: I don’t know if I’m ready for this…emotionally.
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE: You have to order something or get out of the line.
Told my boss at work I had three companies looking at me and asked for a raise, so of course out of curiosity she asked me which three companies.
Managing to keep a straight face I told her Gas, Water, and Electric.
Don’t kick over a rock if you’re not mentally and physically prepared for what may be underneath….
[Walking around the office]
*Sees nosepicker*
*Hears burper*
*Smells gas*Boss: What are you doing?
Calculating the…”Gross Margin.”
*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*
In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison
[during sex]
Him: it’d be nice if you were a little more enthusiastic
Me: *pulls out giant foam finger*
What made this morning’s trip to the bathroom interesting is that I don’t actually own a cat.
The next time someone sneezes, please don’t say ‘God bless you.’
I just…I just need a day off from the sneezes, is that too much to ask?
I’m seriously considering adoption who wants me.
[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.
The reason Batman doesn’t cover his whole face is because he needs the police to know he’s white