I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.
You Might Also Like
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark!🎶
[to a straight couple]
Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian
Cop: Pull over
Me: you cold bro?
Meme Monday.
One time I screamed so hard about a professional athlete not playing through an injury I blew out my back and couldn’t work for a week.
I have yellow mustard, grainy mustard, dry mustard, mustard seeds, Dijon mustard, and horseradish mustard. That part of my life is in order.
I made my bed and found a half eaten stick of butter in it. When I asked my child if she put anything in mommy’s bed, she said “I did not put butter in it.” The mystery continues. More at 11.
PATIENT: I bet medical school was pretty tough
DR DOG: yeah I remember one time I did an assignment 4 times bc I ate the first 3 copies lol
I remember when I was 12, dad caught me smoking a ham; so to teach me a lesson he made me smoke an entire herd of piglets.
Spider-Man: I climb like a spider and shoot webs to prevent crime!
Ant-Man: I shrink to the size of an ant to defeat enemies!
Cowboy: I uh
Spider-Man: Go on!
Cowboy *quietly* I have 4 stomachs
just got back from time traveling to get hitler kicked out of art school because i hated his paintings. you guys probably don’t even know who I’m talking about huh
Everybody just wants to get off…
….This elevator because that guy stinks
“What’s wrong with our country?”
OBAMA!
“Who are we going to reelect in 2012?”
OBAMA!
Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.
Them: Going camping?
Me: Nope
*eats 3 edibles*
…am….am I my dogs sugar daddy
You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.
*record scratch*
Me: Yeah, that’s me. You’re probably wondering how I ended up in this situatio…
Crowd: Boooo! Damn this dj suuuuucks
Me: what’s the weather like?
Mom: just open the door and find out
Me: *opens cargo hatch and is sucked out of airplane* it’s
W
I
N
D
ᴰ
ʸ
ʸ
ʸ
I can’t wait til there’s a chalk outline filter
Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.
haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day
Plot twist:
“Luke, I am your Mother.” – Yoda
[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.
My 4yo picked up a toy and put it away without being asked, and I just stared at her like she was a woodland animal I didn’t want to scare.
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.
accidentally juuled in front of my mom but she only saw the smoke and goes “what was that” so i immediately said ”oh my god you saw that too?” and now i have to spend the rest of my life pretending my house is haunted
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.