one time a girl told me she listens to “anything but country” so i played pterodactyl noises on on full volume the whole way to Ruby Tuesday
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my one true gender
A wise man once said nothing.
I’d say a good part of my day is spent trying to convince my dog that we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser
How would you describe your past work?
[Cut to me picking up coins off sidewalks and taking them to CoinStar]
-Change management.
Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.
Why is it spelled camouflage and not
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!
I don’t think this bowl of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups on my desk is making me as indispensable to the workplace as I had hoped.
Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you
Spider:
Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁
The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.
A shock absorber sounds like something you need for when you’re watching the news.
Men: Take Route 2 to the 156 and get on the 7.
Me: I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS.
Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose
I made a joke about how sweet it is that twenty men I don’t know dm me to ask me how I’m doing and this old dude commented “only 20? Out of 33k?” And like damn that hurt. The rest of you 32,980 better pony up or this old dude is gonna know I’m not sexy 😭
who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?
When my wife and I started dating she’d jokingly tell me “Go play in traffic”. Now when she says it, she opens my car door while driving on the freeway.
Come on royal family, it’s not that difficult to name your 3rd child. I have 3 sons, Dustin, Jacob and what’s-his-face.
It might just be MAX now, but whenever his mom gets mad she still calls him by his full name, Hubert Bertinelli Oscar Maximus the third
Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.
I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive
If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?
The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:
If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.
The glockness monster
Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper
This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.
Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?
I love that earthquakes unite strangers online like nothing else. 100,000 people posting “did anyone feel that” and 100,000 other people posting “yeah”