@zacharyflynn: One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn't really fit me anyway.
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@armyVet1972: Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, "Wow you're, like, older than my dad!"
@QwertyJones3: If you're in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.
@AndyAsAdjective: In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.
@kibblesmith: Nice try "Marco Rubio" — or should I say... [rearranges letters] "BIRAC UBOMA" [audience gasps]