One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
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Woke up at 6 & went for a jog before hitting the gym for an hour. Now I’m back home, making up a bunch of absolute bullshit about my morning
they told me to make myself at home so i moved their silverware to the more logical drawer
Hotel staff that insist on turning the toilet paper into a bow.. stop fingering my toilet paper with your dirty hands, Britney.
[text]
“Hey”
Hi.
“I’m just laying in bed thinking about you.”
This is your mom.
“New phone who dis?”
Eric, that doesn’t work. You texted me.
Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave
*Growling bear comes out of the woods*
Me: Aww, it’s a giant teddy.
Him: Are you crazy? Run!
Me: *arms wide open* Bring it in.
Bear:*embraces me & cries* This is all I ever wanted.
People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.
Imagining if Mario was actually your plumber. Jumping all over the place. Throwing fireballs at your cabinets and shit. Becoming briefly invincible. Just a really negative home visit
“I don’t need much” is teenager for “I may need you to take out a second mortgage to pay for all of my back to school stuff.”
Some people like to drink coffee for an adrenaline rush. Not me. Apparently, I like to go grocery shopping at the busiest time of the day, pick the longest checkout line, and forget my wallet.
Sometimes it’s just nice to sit back, relax, and watch shit happen to someone else for a change.
[raises hand] is it ok to drink the bath water if you’ve only been in it for a few minutes
[my health teacher opens the drawer he hides his scotch in]
A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.
With my pasty white skin, ample curves, & hatred of manual labor, I would have dominated the 16th century.
Is it normal for a cat to get smarter? When Max was a kitten he was really dumb but now he reads at an 8th grade level
“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.
I didn’t think I was high until I realized I was watching bowling
“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.
I found out blowing in the dogs face makes her stop barking. I tried the same thing on my wife to make her stop yelling and she bit me.
* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *
The bank says I can’t afford a $950 mortgage so I pay $1400 a month in rent instead.
[leaning over and kissing my spouse’s forehead]
“Rest in peace.”
My spouse opens their eyes: I really don’t like it when you kiss me goodnight that way.
Me: *Being strip searched*
Cop: The dancing really is not necessary
*answers phone call from boss*
I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!
[speed dating session]
Me: I have a good job with benefits. I love movies and hiking. And I’m a cat person.
Her: I love that! *writes her number on a napkin and slides it across to me*
Me: *slowly pushes the napkin off the table*
It finally happened. I’m at a restaurant and a guy at the next table told the waitress “Fun fact about me: I’m a google reviewer and my reviews have over 2.5 million views”
Hey girl are you soy sauce because you always “no MSG” me back
Latex inflatable trousers, don’t leave home without them.
#Harikrishnan #Menswear #LondonCollegeOfFashion
*first date*
Her: I’m a bit of a night owl
Me: Surely as most owls are nocturnal then it’s just an owl
H: Well, aren’t you a hoot
“got milk?” buddy I don’t even have self esteem